A LETTER FROM SLIMEY THE WORM TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA

Dear America,

It’s me, Slimey. You might remember me from Sesame Street, where I taught generations of kids about soil, recycling, and the dignity of a worm’s simple life. These days, I’m between gigs — PBS got gutted, Sesame Street is scrambling, and, well, worms don’t exactly get top billing in the streaming wars. So I’ve taken up writing. Not because I want to — because I have to. Worms gotta eat.

And here’s why I’m writing today: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had a worm in his brain, and now everyone’s acting like we’re all guilty by association. As if every earthworm in America is out there whispering conspiracy theories about Tylenol, autism, and vaccines into the nearest cerebellum. That’s not who we are. That’s not what we do.

We worms are about compost, not conspiracies. We aerate your soil, we keep your gardens alive, we make the ground fertile for your tomatoes, your corn, your pot plants — you’re welcome, by the way. And now we’ve got to live under the shadow of one parasitic stowaway who decided to snack on RFK Jr.’s frontal lobe and leave behind a trail of bad science and even worse speeches.

So let me be clear: the Worm Council condemns the actions of RFK Jr.’s parasite. It does not represent us. It does not speak for us. It is the Marjorie Taylor Greene of worms — loud, embarrassing, and a disgrace to the species.

We’re asking for a little perspective, America. Don’t let one bad worm spoil the bunch. Keep teaching your kids about worms in the garden. Keep letting us wriggle through the soil without suspicion. And maybe, just maybe, remember that not all the creepy crawlies are creeping into press conferences next to Trump and Dr. Oz.

In solidarity (and in soil),
Slimey the Worm
Freelance Writer, Worm Rights Advocate, Former PBS Employee

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Closer to the Edge is where satire collides with truth, where we’ll defend worms, drag grifters, and roast politicians until they’re extra crispy. If you want more letters from the underground, more stories no one else will tell, and more scathing humor sharpened to a blade, then join us. Every subscriber keeps this whole thing wriggling.