A Letter to LiMu

We need your help.

Dear LiMu,

You majestic, flightless miracle. For years you’ve flapped across the airwaves with Doug at your side, rescuing Liberty Mutual from the corporate graveyard of forgettable mascots. While Geico has a gecko and Progressive has Flo, you, LiMu, brought us feathers, absurdity, and the occasional side-eye glare that said, “Yeah, Doug screwed up again, but I’m still the brains of this operation.” You’re the only bird in advertising who can upstage a human with one tilt of your head.

And now, LiMu, we need you. We need you like never before. Because somehow, some way, Liberty Mutual’s wholesome emu energy has been stapled to the rotting corpse of Fox & Friends, thanks to their resident doorknob, Brian Kilmeade.

Yes, Kilmeade — the man who looks like a youth soccer coach permanently stuck in 2004, hair shellacked with enough product to withstand a hurricane, brain filled with nothing but bumper stickers and expired Capri Suns. This genius thought it was a good idea to suggest “involuntary lethal injection” for homeless people — on national television. Not a joke, not sarcasm, just pure fascist cruelty delivered with the same tone as ordering hash browns at Waffle House.

And what did Fox News do? Nothing. They just kept nodding along like bobbleheads in a dashboard apocalypse. His co-hosts smiled through it like they were auditioning for a hostage video. “Just kill ’em,” he said, and Fox executives probably scribbled it down on a Post-it as the next slogan.

And don’t get us started on Brian’s apology. He called his extermination pitch “extremely callous,” like he was describing a rude waiter, not his own casual suggestion to euthanize the poor. That’s not an apology — that’s a PR fart in the wind.

LiMu, you cannot allow your brand — your glorious bird brand — to be associated with this. You were meant for quirky jingles and Doug’s awkward attempts at seriousness, not underwriting America’s most cheerful call for extermination. You’re supposed to be the face of “only pay for what you need,” not “state-sponsored death panels, but make it morning TV.”

Imagine this, LiMu: every time your commercial runs during Fox & Friends, the audience sees your bright yellow feathers and thinks, “Ah yes, the insurance company that cosigns Brian ‘Just Kill ’Em’ Kilmeade.” That’s not brand synergy. That’s brand necrophilia.

So flap those wings, LiMu. Kick open the boardroom doors with Doug trailing behind you, clutching his clipboard like it’s a life raft, and demand corporate pull every last ad dollar until Fox News pries Kilmeade’s ass off that couch. You don’t need this stink on your feathers. You’re an emu, damn it — a noble creature. He’s a hack in pancake makeup who couldn’t host a high-school morning announcement without reading the weather wrong.

This is your chance, LiMu. Be the bird who saved Liberty Mutual from fascist cable slime. Be the emu who made Fox News shit its pants. Be the feathered hero who taught America that mascots have more spine than morning hosts.

With love, admiration, and one giant middle feather to Fox,

Rook T. Winchester
Editor-in-Chief, Closer to the Edge

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Fox News has Liberty Mutual, Amazon, Netflix, and a whole parade of corporate sponsors peepingthe lights on while their hosts joke about exterminating the vulnerable. We don’t. We have no insurance mascots, no luxury brands, no Wall Street banks. We are 100% reader-supported — fueled entirely by people who want the truth told without corporate strings attached. If you want more of that, subscribe to Closer to the Edge.