ANSWERING ADAM CAROLLA’S QUESTIONS ABOUT DILDOS
Adam Carolla is confused about the use of dildos at protests.
He spent ten minutes on his podcast yesterday trying to figure out what the hell we’re doing. Him and comedian John Crist. Riffing. Genuinely baffled. Circling back to the dildos like a dog who found something weird in the yard and can’t quite leave it alone.
Adam. Sit down.
We got you.
The episode is called “Dildos vs ICE Agents.” That’s the actual title. Adam Carolla, who has spent thirty years explaining to anyone who will listen that he is the smartest person in every room he has ever entered, spent his Tuesday morning podcast trying to reverse-engineer a protest movement he doesn’t understand and arriving at approximately nothing.
Ten minutes. No conclusions. More questions than answers.
The man who wrote a book called In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks would like to know what we want.
Okay, Adam. Let’s do this.
“WHAT DO THEY WANT?”
Adam and his guest asked this three times. Three separate times. Like the answer was hiding somewhere in the upholstery of his studio couch and if he just kept asking it would crawl out.
We want ICE out of our communities. We want detention facilities closed. We want families kept together. We want the federal government to stop disappearing human beings in the middle of the night and shipping them to foreign prisons without charges, without lawyers, without due process, without so much as a phone call home.
That’s what we want, Adam.
Sorry it took so long. I know you’ve been up nights.
“NOBODY THREATENING SOMEONE WITH A DILDO IS SOLUTION-ORIENTED.”
Correct. We’re not threatening anyone with a dildo. We’re mocking them with one. There’s a difference. One is assault. The other is constitutionally protected expression.
You know who understood the difference between a threat and a taunt? Abbie Hoffman. You know who else? Every court that’s looked at this so far.
But please, Adam. Tell us more about using dildos as demolition devices. Tell us again about framing dildos versus finishing dildos. Tell us about the waffle head. We’re taking notes over here.
“WHY DILDOS?”
Because signs haven’t worked. Chanting hasn’t work. Candlelight vigils through haven’t worked. We tried all of it. The machine keeps running.
So we asked a different question. Not what makes us feel serious. What makes them look ridiculous.
The answer was dildos.
Consider what ICE has been doing. Raiding workplaces. Snatching people off streets. Loading human beings onto planes in the middle of the night and shipping them to foreign prisons without charges, without lawyers, without a phone call. Detaining legal residents. Deporting American citizens “by accident” and then shrugging about it. Operating with the swagger of an agency that answers to no one.
These people need to be ridiculed. Loudly. In public. With props.
Enter the dildos.
You mock power. You make the enforcers of a detention state stand at attention while American citizens beat a federal fence with rubber phalluses and the whole absurd tableau ends up in the LA Times. Not despite the dildos. Because of them.
ICE spent Saturday in multiple cities trying to look intimidating while people played dildo cornhole outside their detention facilities. Dildo ring toss. Dildo drums. Dildos affixed to cars and stop signs and the general infrastructure of American civic life.
That’s not an accident, Adam. That’s a communications strategy. Maybe you’ve heard of those.
“IS THIS THE END OF DIGNITY IN AMERICA?”
Let’s talk about dignity for a second.
ICE agents in full tactical gear surrounding a church. ICE detaining a man for the crime of attending his own immigration hearing. ICE arresting a children’s book author. ICE taking a Army veteran who served this country and dumping him in a country he hasn’t lived in since he was a child. ICE operating a detention facility in the Florida Everglades that lawyers cannot access and journalists cannot enter and where human beings are held in conditions that would embarrass a kennel.
That’s where dignity went, Adam. It didn’t go to the protest line.
We didn’t take dignity out back and shoot it. ICE did. We just showed up to the funeral with the appropriate accessories.
“DO YOU GIVE EVERYONE ONE OR DO THEY CHOOSE FROM THE BAG?”
You choose. We believe in bodily autonomy. It’s kind of our whole thing. You might want to write that down.
“WHAT SIZE?”
We have options. We’re not the government.
“IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET KILLED BECAUSE THEY MISTOOK A DILDO FOR A GUN?”
Adam. I say this with genuine affection. A dildo does not look like a gun. If your law enforcement officers cannot distinguish between a firearm and a novelty sex toy, that is a training issue.
ICE has actual guns. They used them to kill Renee Good, Alex Pretti, and others. The agency that shoots people in American neighborhoods would like you to know it is very concerned about the threat posed by rubber phalluses.
We are happy to help with training. We have materials. We have a lot of materials.
“IS GEORGE SOROS PAYING FOR THE DILDOS?”
No. We bought the first batch from Smitten Kitten, a sex-positive shop in Minneapolis. Like a Kitten donated the next five hundred. The rest were crowd-sourced from people across the country who apparently had strong feelings about ICE and access to a U-Haul.
George Soros had nothing to do with it. This was regular Americans distributing dildos to strangers for the cause. That’s the whole story. That’s the country we live in now and honestly it’s the most patriotic thing we’ve seen in years.
You want in, Adam? We’ll send you one personally. Consider it a gift from the dildo-wielding nihilists you apparently cannot stop thinking about.
“IS THERE NEVER A SOLUTION AT THE END OF THIS?”
There’s a solution. Stop kidnapping people. Release the detainees. Reunite the families. Follow the Constitution you swore an oath to uphold.
That’s the solution, Adam. It fits on a bumper sticker. It fits on a protest sign. It fits, as it turns out, on a dildo.
We’ve been saying it the whole time.
Adam. You spent ten minutes on us yesterday. The episode is called Dildos vs ICE Agents. That’s your title. You named it after us. You did that.
We’re flattered. We’re touched. We’re a little aroused, frankly.
Come to Minneapolis. We’ll show you how it’s done. We’ll give you the tour. We’ll let you pick your own from the bag.
And next time you find yourself asking what do they want — just remember.
You had the answer the whole time.
You just couldn’t stop thinking about the dildos long enough to hear it.
I DMd this to Adam Corolla
This is awesome.