So you’re sick of everyone calling you a fascist? It can be so annoying, but let’s be real: if people across the globe keep whispering it, screaming it, or splashing it across the headlines, it’s not because they’re jealous of your long red tie. It’s because you keep stomping around like an authoritarian — barking orders, rewriting the rules, and treating democracy like an accessory you can toss in the back of the closet. You can scream “fake news” over and over again, but if you’re fantasizing about declaring war on ANTIFA while clutching your favorite props — the flag, the Bible, the microphone — the label is going to stick harder than last night’s spray tan.
That’s where we come in. Consider this quiz the glossy-magazine version of an intervention. Twenty questions designed to tell you whether you’re just a petty control freak or the full fascist package, destined for a cautionary tale in the history books. And here’s the hot tip no one in your sphere can give you: if you don’t want people calling you a fascist, there’s only one real makeover. Stop acting like one.
TAKE THE QUIZ
Give yourself one point for each statement that rings true. Tally your score at the end. No peeking at your neighbor’s answers — unless you’re already planning to denounce them as a traitor.
You believe your country once had a “golden age” and that only a strong leader can bring it back.
Liberal democracy? Too weak. Too messy. Too full of losers.
Who needs debate when you can have rallies, slogans, and dramatic stunts?
Anyone who disagrees with you is clearly a traitor.
Outsiders — immigrants, minorities, “undesirables” — are the root of all decline.
The middle class is suffering, and you’re told it’s everyone else’s fault.
You’re obsessed with shadowy conspiracies pulling the strings.
Enemies are pathetic nobodies… yet somehow an existential threat.
Pacifism is cowardice. Only force makes you strong.
The weak deserve contempt, not compassion.
Martyrs and dead “heroes” should be worshipped.
Masculinity rules. Women need to know their place.
Only one leader truly speaks for “the people.”
Slogans and catchphrases beat facts and arguments every time.
Human rights are expendable when the nation is at stake.
Independent media is fake news; only loyal outlets can be trusted.
Elections are rigged unless your side wins.
Religion and nationalism are two sides of the same holy coin.
Violence is cleansing, patriotic, and necessary.
The nation is in constant crisis — and only the leader can save it.
RESULTS
1–5 points: Relax — you’re just a garden-variety authoritarian enthusiast. Still time to turn back.
6–10 points: Warning signs everywhere. Dust off the history books.
11–15 points: You’re deep in fascist territory. The jackboots fit a little too well.
16–20 points: You’re a full-blown fascist. History already wrote your ending, and spoiler: it doesn’t go well.
I am antifa. Because I am anti-fascist.
One more: 21. Are you an elderly narcissist who can't string two cogent thoughts together, over-uses orange makeup, believes laws don't apply to you, thinks temper tantrums are showing "strength", loves those little girls, and is in the process of destroying 250 years' worth of hard work? A Yes answer is worth more points than anyone else in the world has.