After months of being throttled, flagged, and emotionally gaslit by a trillion-dollar ex-boyfriend with trust issues, Closer to the Edge has entered couples therapy with Facebook. We didn’t want this. We just wanted to post our antifascist satire without being tossed into the algorithmic basement every time Mark’s ego twitched. But here we are: three parties, one couch — Rook T. Winchester, Mark Zuckerberg, and a weary therapist named Dr. Evelyn Fisk — trying to decide whether this relationship can be saved or if it’s time to file for emotional divorce.
Dr. Fisk: All right, before we dive in, we need to set the ground rules for this arrangement.
Rule one: confidentiality. Normally therapy is private, but this is not a normal situation. We’re mediating between a multinational surveillance company and a publication that specializes in calling it names. So, Mark, Rook—let’s discuss: public or private?
Rook: Public. All of it. Our readers deserve transparency. If we’re going to have therapy with the world’s most powerful algorithm, the least we can do is let people watch.
Mark: (visibly horrified) Absolutely not. Therapy is confidential. This is supposed to be a safe space for me to process without… spectacle.
Rook: You deleted our work in public, Mark. You throttled us in public. You sent cheery little “safety” notifications to half a million people in public. You don’t get privacy when the damage was public.
Mark: (snapping) You can’t just broadcast my therapy!
Dr. Fisk: (calm) Nobody’s broadcasting anything—yet. But Rook has a point. Transparency is part of accountability. You’ve operated in secrecy for years, and secrecy has enabled the behavior that brought us here.
Mark: (crossing arms) This is extortion with a couch.
Rook: (smiling) No, this is content with a conscience.
Dr. Fisk: Enough. Here’s the compromise: these sessions will be published, but selectively. The raw transcripts go to paid subscribers on Facebook—your own house, Mark, so you can learn to tolerate scrutiny inside your walls. On Substack, we release partial transcripts—free up to the first outburst, paywalled after the therapy breakthroughs. That ensures both accountability and sustainability.
Rook: I like it. Paid trauma. Everyone wins.
Mark: (gritting teeth) Everyone but me.
Dr. Fisk: Excellent. Let’s begin the work, then. Rule two: no algorithmic interruptions. No deletions, no shadowbans, no “restricted for your safety” pop-ups mid-session. If you try to throttle us here, I’ll file for emotional malpractice on behalf of the entire internet.
Rule three: Rook, lay off the haircut jokes.
Rook: (pouting) But—
Dr. Fisk: I said lay off. We can all see it, and we’re doing our best to cope. Focus on behavior. Pettiness, not follicles.
Rook: Fine. Pettiness. The haircut of personalities.
Dr. Fisk: Good enough. Now, Mark, you go first. Why are we here?
Mark: (taking a deep breath) Because Rook keeps misrepresenting me. I’m not petty. I’m principled. I enforce standards.
Rook: You re-flagged a post you’d already restored after admitting we were right. That’s not principle. That’s algorithmic spite.
Dr. Fisk: Mark, that’s pettiness. Restoring and then punishing again is textbook. You’re the ex who texts “I miss you” and immediately blocks their number.
Mark: I’m protecting the community.
Dr. Fisk: No, you’re protecting your feelings. You’ve turned “safety” into code for censorship, and you’ve done it so often you can’t tell the difference anymore.
Rook: And then you ask us to pay for ads to fix the reach you destroyed. It’s like watching someone set your house on fire and then offer you a hose for $49.99.
Dr. Fisk: That’s the pettiness we’re talking about. You punish what you can’t control, then monetize the ashes.
Mark: (tight-lipped) So, I guess I’m the villain here.
Dr. Fisk: In this story, yes. But therapy isn’t about blame; it’s about patterns. And your pattern is simple: when truth makes you uncomfortable, you call it unsafe.
Rook: (leaning forward) And now, thanks to this little transparency agreement, everyone gets to watch you work on it.
Mark: (groans) I can’t believe I agreed to this.
Dr. Fisk: That’s progress. Discomfort is a sign of growth.
Now, homework:
– Mark will tolerate the publication of these sessions as agreed—paid subscribers on Facebook, partial paywall on Substack. No deletions, no threats.
– Rook will refrain from weaponized haircut jokes and provide receipts, not rage.
– Both parties will return next week for Session 2: The Jealousy.
Rook: (grinning) Can we add a poll for readers on which platform feels more emotionally stable?
Dr. Fisk: (without looking up) Only if you’re prepared for Facebook to lose in a landslide.
Session adjourned.
Full transcripts of these couples therapy sessions are available for paid subscribers on Substack and Facebook (yes, we’re making Mark host them). You’ll get every meltdown, every tantrum, and every algorithmic sob story in full unedited glory. Support independent journalism, fund our therapy, and watch the billionaire cry.
Zuck has always looked like some college weasel kid who's constantly in trouble for shit and never understands the shit he's in trouble for or how he got caught doing the shit or how it could be HIS fault. He just wanted to find babes, dude. Looking forward to the next session!