COUPLES THERAPY WITH MARK ZUCKERBERG

SESSION 3: THE MOOD SWINGS

Dr. Fisk: Welcome back. Ground rules unchanged: no secrecy, no algorithmic interruptions, and Rook — still no haircut jokes. Yes, it’s tempting. Yes, it offends the eyes. Stay focused. Today’s session is important. It's about The Mood Swings.

Rook: (grinning) Perfect topic.

Dr. Fisk: Mark, you go first. Explain to us why, in the same breath, you brag about their 32 million views while throttling their reach by 28%.

Mark: (shifting uncomfortably) It’s not… it’s not like that. We celebrate creators. We give them tools. Sometimes enforcement gets overzealous. But overall, I’m generous.

Rook: Generous? You’re like an ex who sends flowers while changing the locks. One day you’re whispering, “You’re still recommended.” The next, you’re deleting videos, threatening October mass purges, and tossing up ads for “traffic campaigns” like a ransom note.

Dr. Fisk: That’s exactly the definition of mood swings. Hot-cold. Praise-punish. Restore-flag. This is not moderation. It’s emotional whiplash at scale.

Mark: (voice rising) You don’t understand how hard this is for me. I built this platform. I’m trying to hold it together. Everyone blames me.

Dr. Fisk: Mark, nobody forced you to become the self-appointed warden of global speech. You built the machine. If it’s chewing people up, that’s on you.

Rook: We’re not your therapy animals. We’re your test subjects.

Mark: (snapping) That’s not fair! I gave you an audience! I gave you tools! I gave you—

Dr. Fisk: Mark. Stop. This is a pattern of volatility. You’re fine as long as you’re in control. The moment someone resists, you swing between love-bombing and punishment. That’s not stewardship. That’s abuse with branding.

Mark: (tearing up) I’m trying my best! Everyone hates me! They don’t understand what I’m doing!

Dr. Fisk: (soft but firm) This is what accountability feels like, Mark. It’s uncomfortable. It doesn’t kill you. It’s the only way you’ll ever change.

Rook: (calmly) We don’t hate you, Mark. We just don’t believe your mood swings should decide whether our journalism lives or dies.

Mark: (standing up abruptly) I don’t have to sit here and be attacked like this!

Dr. Fisk: You’ve spent years attacking others from behind an algorithm. This is a fraction of what you dish out daily. Sit back down.

Mark: (tears rolling) No! I’m done! You’re all ungrateful!

Dr. Fisk: (writing notes) This is a textbook exit response when the mask slips. Narcissistic volatility under scrutiny.

Mark: (storming toward door) I’m leaving! You’ll miss me when I’m gone!

Rook: (dryly) Not if Substack keeps us warm.

Mark: (slams door)

Dr. Fisk: (sighing) And there it is. The storm-out. Hot-cold. Praise-punish. Love-bomb, then leave. Rook, do not chase him. He’ll come back — they always do. Next week we’ll cover The Double Standards — satire throttled while minion memes thrive. In the meantime, keep your receipts. This is the hard part of therapy.

Session adjourned.