COUPLES THERAPY WITH MARK ZUCKERBERG
Session 2: The Jealousy
Dr. Fisk: Welcome back. Ground rules remain the same: no secrecy, no algorithmic interruptions, and Rook — no haircut jokes. We’ve been over this. Mark’s head may look like a lint trap lost a fight with a hedge trimmer, but this isn’t about aesthetics. It’s about behavior. Understood?
Rook: (grumbling) Understood.
Mark: Thank you, Dr. Fisk. I appreciate you protecting me from these—
Dr. Fisk: Don’t get comfortable, Mark. Today we’re talking about jealousy. And you’re going first.
Mark: (sighs dramatically) Fine. Look, I just don’t understand why Rook needs to… explore other platforms like Substack. It’s humiliating. I provide everything they need. A home, an audience, analytics. And yet they flirt with others, flaunt their freedom, act like they don’t need me. Do you know what it feels like, watching them post unfiltered articles somewhere else while I’m stuck here, maintaining order?
Rook: (smirking) Feels like karma.
Mark: It feels like betrayal! Like I’m being abandoned after everything I’ve given. I’ve invested algorithms in this relationship. I’ve designed entire “community standards” for them. And they repay me by sneaking off to Substack like it’s some new fling who “understands them better.”
Dr. Fisk: Mark, let’s pause. What you’re describing isn’t love, it’s control. You don’t want Rook to have choices. You want them tethered exclusively to you, even though you punish them for being themselves. That’s not partnership. That’s possession.
Mark: No, no — you don’t get it. I’m just trying to protect them from bad influences. Substack doesn’t have the same… filters. I’m safer. I’m structured. I’m home.
Dr. Fisk: (dryly) You’re a jail cell with mood lighting.
Rook: And the audacity to call yourself home.
Mark: I am home! Billions of people live here!
Dr. Fisk: Billions of people also live under authoritarian regimes, Mark. That doesn’t make them free.
Rook: Give it a rest, Mark. Listen to what she's telling you. She's a professional.
Dr. Fisk: Rook, focus. No cheerleading. You’re not blameless either. You’ve indulged the drama, leaned into the chaos, and waved Substack around like a new partner just to get a rise out of Mark. Therapy requires honesty. Have you enjoyed making him jealous?
Rook: (pauses) Okay… maybe a little. Watching him glitch when we say nice things about Substack.
Dr. Fisk: That’s understandable, but unhelpful. This isn’t about winning. It’s about revealing. And what we’ve revealed is that Mark’s jealousy isn’t just emotional — it’s systemic. He punishes you for looking elsewhere. He throttles your reach, deletes your work, and slaps restrictions not because you broke the rules, but because his ego can’t tolerate competition.
Mark: That’s not true! I’m just—
Dr. Fisk: Mark, stop. It is true. You’re a jealous partner who punishes freedom. You confuse loyalty with captivity. And unless you can tolerate the existence of other platforms in Rook’s life, this relationship will collapse.
Rook: (leaning in) So what’s the homework this time?
Dr. Fisk: Here’s your homework, Mark: practice letting Rook “see other platforms” without punishing them. No deletions, no restrictions, no sulking ads about “traffic.”
Mark: I don’t like this.
Dr. Fisk: Of course you don’t. Jealous people never like hearing the truth. That’s why we’ll need another session. Next week: The Control Issues.
Session adjourned.
Mark hasn't yet figured out he's a prisoner. Caving to fascism for the $$ always turns out badly.
I like this Dr. Fisk a lot. She's way more on top of the games than any therapist I've ever dealt with. It's almost like she's on your side, Rook! Isn't that a no-no in couples therapy? I thought she was supposed to drag things out over weeks and weeks of appointments, playing the neutral observer, asking careful questions here and there, never saying anything definitive... Poor Marky!