DEAR PETE: Secretary Duffy’s Cry for Help

A satirical plea from Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy — and the kind of devastating response Pete Buttigieg just might write.

Dear Mr. Buttigieg,

I never thought I’d write this letter.

Mostly because I never thought I’d be in this job. I assumed "Secretary of Transportation" came with a golf cart and a clipboard, not 3,000 grant backlogs, a collapsing radar system, and a nationwide pilot shortage that feels more like a biblical plague than a staffing issue.

Look — I was a world champion lumberjack. I can climb a 90-foot pole with spikes on my boots and a chainsaw in my hand. But climbing out of this transportation mess? That’s a whole different beast. Turns out, you can’t solve an FAA crisis with charisma, a Fox News segment, and a few “common sense” slogans.

Pete, I need your help.

You know this department. You ran it. And while I was busy swinging axes and doing reality TV, you were apparently out here building actual systems that worked. (Who knew “boring” would age so well?) Now I’ve got congressional hearings breathing down my neck, United Airlines treating Newark like a cursed airstrip, and an air traffic controller workforce that’s vanishing faster than my credibility.

I know I poked fun at your policies. I called NEPA reviews “woke paperwork.” I laughed about equity plans. I may have even said you managed more bike lanes than planes. But after 100 days in this chair? I’d trade my flannel for a high-speed rail budget and a working radar tower in a heartbeat.

So here’s what I’m asking:

• A call. Discreet, off the record. You talk, I listen.

• Maybe a bullet-pointed cheat sheet? You seem like a bullet-points guy.

• And if you’re feeling generous, a quick tutorial on how to not get booed at the National Governors Association meeting.

Pete, I don’t care if you call me out in public or mock me over cocktails. Just help me keep this department from turning into Ice Road Truckers: DC Edition.

I’m a lumberjack, Pete. I know how to clear a forest. But right now, I’m staring at a mountain of shit and a broken bulldozer — and I need someone who’s actually built a road before.

Sincerely (and humbly),
Sean Patrick Duffy
Secretary of Transportation
Former Lumberjack World Champion
Current Emergency Management Liability

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Dear Secretary Duffy,

Thank you for your letter. It was, in a word, sobering.

It’s not every day that a sitting cabinet official writes to his predecessor asking for help after mistaking the Department of Transportation for a log-rolling competition. I admire your honesty — intentional or not.

Yes, I remember the jokes. The bike lane barbs, the “woke traffic” soundbites, the time you called my infrastructure plan a “government-issued participation trophy.” And while I typically let lumberjacks be lumberjacks, now that you’re piloting the department I once ran — and flying it straight into a radar outage — I suppose it’s time we had a chat.

Now, you asked for help. Specifically: “bullet points.” Which is adorable.

I hate bullet points, Sean. You don’t fix national infrastructure with bulleted lists. You fix it with nuance, coordination, consultation, and an intimate understanding of the 4,000 acronyms you’re now responsible for. But sure — here’s the closest I’ll come:

— Stop dismantling things just because they sound complicated.
— Stop offering $5,000 recruitment bonuses like you’re hiring TikTok interns.
— Stop thinking “cutting red tape” means skipping safety reviews and calling it freedom.

Also, for the record: environmental review is not “bureaucratic drag.” It’s why your bridges stay upright, your trains don’t drown wetlands, and your highways don’t bulldoze communities in the name of “efficiency.”

I know you’d rather be doing press hits than pouring over FAA workforce projections, but you asked. So here we are.

I’ll take your call — not because I think you’re ready, but because the people who rely on this system every day don’t deserve to suffer through your learning curve.

And no, I won’t accept an airport terminal named after me. What I’d prefer is a Department of Transportation that functions, regardless of who’s at the podium.

In service,
Pete Buttigieg
Former Secretary of Transportation
Still Not a Fan of Bullet Points
Still More Qualified Than You

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