DEAREST KIM

A Satirical Invitation

Washington, D.C.
Office of the President of the United States, the best POTUS
The Greatest, Possibly Ever

---

PERSONAL. VERY PERSONAL. DO NOT THROW AWAY.

Dearest Kim,

Hi. It’s me. Donald. You know who this is.

I’m writing because June 14th is coming up and I’m turning 80, which is a very big number but honestly I look 60, everyone says it, even people who don’t have to say it. Doctors. Strangers. Very beautiful women. The point is I’m having a party and it’s going to be the greatest party in the history of parties, possibly in the history of civilization, and I need you to be there.

I have UFC fighters. The best ones. Real warriors, tremendous people, but Kim — between you and me — they’re not you. Nobody hits like you hit. Nobody. And I mean that in the emotional sense.

Do you remember Singapore? I think about Singapore. I’m not supposed to say that but it’s true. We had something, you and I. Two strong men who started out calling each other names — which honestly was also fun, I’m not going to lie — and then we figured it out. We figured each other out. You wrote me those letters and I kept them, Kim. I kept ALL of them. They found some at Mar-a-Lago and made a whole thing about it but that’s not the point, the point is I kept them because they meant something to me. They meant a lot to me.

You didn’t answer my last letter. That’s okay. I understand you’re busy. You have a country to run, you have parades, you have that daughter of yours who’s very impressive by the way, very strong genes, takes after her father clearly. I’m not mad about the letter. I’m not even a little mad. I just want you to know that I’m not mad.

The party is on the White House lawn. South Lawn. The good lawn. We’re putting the Octagon right there and the whole country is coming and there will be fireworks and I already told everybody it’s going to be the greatest show on earth, which means you have to come because otherwise it’s not actually the greatest show on earth. You see the position this puts me in.

I was going to have Rocket Man play but Elton said no. Different story.

Kim, look. I’m going to be honest with you in a way that I’m not always honest with people, which is that this second term is very busy and very winning but sometimes I’m in the residence and I’m reading briefings about the South China Sea or whatever and I think — I wish Kim and I could just talk. Like we used to. Remember Hanoi? I know Hanoi didn’t go perfectly but I think about the energy of it. The tension. Two guys who could destroy the world sitting across a table eating terrible food. There was something there.

You can bring whoever you want. Bring the translator. Bring the daughter. We’ll get them good seats, right by the Octagon, full security, I’ll tell the Secret Service you’re Very Important, which you are, obviously, you run a whole country, nuclear weapons, the whole thing, very impressive. We can get you whatever food you want. Whatever. Name it.

I’m also enclosing, again, the letter from before that you didn’t accept. I know your guys at the UN said they didn’t want it but I think maybe there was a miscommunication because I can’t imagine you told them to actually say no. That doesn’t sound like you. You’re better than that. We’re both better than that.

Just think about it. June 14th. White House. Come watch some guys punch each other. Bring a jacket, evenings can be cool. And maybe after, we find a quiet room somewhere, no translators if you want, no cameras, just two world leaders who used to be close and maybe could be again.

You know my number. You’ve always known my number.

Forever yours (and I mean that),

DONALD J. TRUMP
President of the United States
80 Years Young
Still The Best

P.S. — I told them to put a good chair out for you. Not one of the folding ones. A real chair. It’s there. It’s waiting.

P.P.S. — I still look incredible, by the way. Just so you know.

---