Deep into the Numbers
The night was thick with paranoia. The Treasury Building stood like a bloated corpse, its guts packed with bureaucratic waste, its veins pulsing with the sickly glow of government inefficiency. Somewhere inside, hunched over a flickering government-issue Dell laptop, a 25-year-old tech gremlin named Marko Elez was up to his bloodshot eyeballs in raw data, high on caffeine, low on sleep, and way too deep into the numbers.
His mission was simple: find the fraud. Root out the parasites feeding off the taxpayers. Torch the deadwood. Make Elon Musk look like the lone, genius cowboy standing between the government and total collapse. That was the gig. The grand experiment of the Department of Government Efficiency—DOGE.
DOGE had been Musk’s idea. A bold, visionary effort to rid the country of waste. Trump signed off on it immediately, possibly without knowing what it was. Now Musk had full, unrestricted access to the inner financial workings of the U.S. government. And Elez—his feral, sleep-deprived code monkey—had just cracked the mainframe.
He started scrolling. And scrolling. And scrolling.
Then, suddenly—there it was.
Billions. Tens of billions. The kind of numbers that make accountants vomit into their keyboards. Money hemorrhaging out of the Treasury like a severed artery, funneled into a handful of suspiciously familiar entities.
Elez squinted. Checked again. Ran the numbers backwards. No. This couldn’t be right.
SpaceX.
Tesla.
Neuralink.
The Boring Company.
And at the top of every disbursement, one name.
Elon. Fing. Musk.*
Elez clutched his head. This was not how the night was supposed to go. He had come here expecting to find government fatcats funneling cash into useless programs like “education” or “food for poor children.” But no. It was all Musk. The entire federal budget, apparently, had been an Elon Musk GoFundMe this whole time.
His phone buzzed.
“Find anything?”
It was Musk.
Elez gulped. He wiped the sweat off his keyboard and started typing: “Uh… yeah. I think we have a problem.”
Back at DOGE HQ—formerly known as Twitter until Musk decided it would be more profitable to repurpose the building into a government agency—Musk was seated behind a desk made of compressed SpaceX contracts, furrowing his brow at Elez’s report.
A lesser man might have panicked. A normal human would have hired a lawyer and started Googling extradition treaties. But Musk was not a normal man.
He leaned back in his chair, cracked his knuckles, and did what any truly brilliant conman would do.
He flipped the story.
At 2:47 AM, he went on X and declared victory.
"BREAKING: DOGE uncovers the biggest fraud in American history. BILLIONS wasted. The culprit? Some guy named… ELON MUSK. (Me) Very sad! I was framed! But I forgive you all.”
And just like that, the hunter became the hero.
By sunrise, Fox News was running a ticker celebrating Musk’s “bravery” in exposing Musk. Newsmax suggested he should be given even MORE federal money, since he was clearly the only man honest enough to admit he was stealing it.
At 10 AM, Trump waddled out to the White House lawn and delivered a garbled, barely coherent victory speech.
“Elon is a tremendous guy. Maybe the best. People say he’s the best. And now? He’s uncovered fraud. Billions of dollars in fraud, folks. A lot of people are saying that. And who was stealing it? Elon Musk! That’s right! And now he’s fixing it. Amazing guy. Incredible work. We’re giving him another $50 billion to investigate himself further.”
By noon, Musk had issued himself a presidential pardon, officially classifying all government contracts awarded to himself as “self-made entrepreneurial success.”
Elez sat in stunned silence, scrolling through the X replies. The American people—those beautiful, brain-dead swine—were eating it up.
“Elon SAVES AMERICA once again!!”
“Can’t believe he had the courage to investigate himself! A true leader!!”
“GIVE THIS MAN MORE MONEY!!”
Elez rubbed his temples. What the f* had just happened?**
They had set out to expose government waste. And they had. It was Elon Musk.
And now? He was a hero for finding himself.