DRUNK AT NED'S

A Satirical Voicemail from Kash Patel to Todd Blanche

Kash Patel stands on the sidewalk outside Ned’s Club at 2:45 A.M. Tie hanging loose. Shirt wrinkled. He’s swaying just enough to notice. He calls Todd Blanche.

Four rings.

Voicemail.

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BEEP.

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KASH: Todd. It’s — it’s Kash.

Pick up.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Don’t — just — listen. I know it’s late. I know. I just — I need a ride. I’m outside Ned’s.

I didn’t — I didn’t get thrown out, by the way. Let’s be clear about that. They overreacted. Marcus overreacted. That’s on him. He threatened to 86 me, and we both know what that means.

I’m fine.

I’m completely fine.

I just needed to step outside. Get some air. Because it — it doesn’t stop, Todd. It just — it doesn’t turn off. You think you can have a drink and it’ll take the edge off, right? That’s the idea. That’s what people do. Normal people. Totally normal thing. You have a drink, you relax, you stop thinking about —

Dildos.

That is my life right now. I went to college. I passed the bar. I ran counterterrorism operations. I have a confirmed security clearance at the highest level this government issues.

And I cannot stop thinking about dildos.

There’s an organization, Todd. The — the Dildo Distribution Delegation. That’s a real thing. I’m not — I didn’t make that up. They have a name. They have over eight thousand — eight thousand — units. That’s not a protest, that’s a fucking supply chain. That’s logistics. That’s more organized than some operations I’ve seen with actual budgets and actual—

That’s classified. Forget I said that.

The point is they’re handing them out at federal buildings. As a statement. About fascism. That’s the thesis. Fascism and phalluses. That is the national conversation right now. That’s where we are.

And I’m supposed to — what? Respond? You want the Director of the FBI to hold a press conference about —

You respond, you lose. You don’t respond, it’s still out there. New shipment, new building, new footage of some — some delegate, whatever they call themselves, unloading boxes in a parking lot and smiling like it’s a bake sale.

It’s not a bake sale, Todd.

It’s humiliation. That’s the whole point. It’s not about fascism. Nobody actually thinks a novelty item stops fascism. The theory of change is you make it so the people in the buildings can’t go home without thinking about it. Can’t stand on a curb at — whatever time this is — without thinking about it.

Because it works. That’s the part nobody says out loud. Not politically. Not in any — but psychologically? Yeah.

Yeah.

Kimmel.

You saw the Kimmel thing. Don’t tell me you didn’t. Everyone saw it. It’s got — I looked up the number of views. I shouldn’t have done that. I keep doing that. I tell myself I’m not going to and then I do it anyway and it’s just — the number is just sitting there and —

He did the whole bit. The footage. The voice. And the audience is just — they’re losing it. And you think okay, it’ll move on. Something else tomorrow. That’s how it works.

Except it doesn’t move on.

Because they keep sending them. And I’m sitting at the bar watching the clip again and Marcus is looking at me and I’m thinking if I just watch it one more time I’ll find — I don’t know. Something. Some angle. Some —

You can’t RICO a dildo, Todd.

I looked into it. Don’t. Just — don’t. I looked into it and you can’t.

And now I’m outside and it’s — it’s cold and it’s still there. That’s the thing. You think you leave it at the bar with the noise and the lights and the — but you don’t. It comes with you. Right here.

So I drink.

Not — not like that. I’ve never been intoxicated on the job. I want to be very clear about that. That is a false and fabricated allegation and anyone saying otherwise should bring their checkbook to court because that’s where we’re going.

I’m having drinks at a bar. After hours. Like a normal person. That’s not a pattern. That’s not — that’s situational. There’s a difference and I know the difference.

Twenty-four anonymous sources, Todd. Twenty-four. Not one on the record. You know what I told them when they called? Print it. All false. See you in court. Bring your checkbook. Because I don’t — I’m not the kind of person who —

The hockey thing. I know you saw the hockey thing. That was a security operation. We won the gold medal. Against Canada. You celebrate that. That’s not evidence of anything, that’s patriotism.

And the rum photo was — that was private. That was a private moment. That has nothing to do with —

It doesn’t matter.

None of it — it doesn’t matter because it’s just — it’s all still there, isn’t it. The clips. The packages. The number under the Kimmel video. You can drink until it goes soft around the edges but you can’t drink until it’s gone because trust me —

He stops.

I’m not saying trust me on that specifically.

That’s not — forget that.

I need a ride. I’m on the curb outside Ned’s. I didn’t get kicked out. Don’t make a face when you get here. I know the face. Don’t make it.

This is situational.

Any reasonable person. My clearance level. These specific conditions. This specific —

Just come get me.

I’m completely fine.

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