ELBOWS UP

PART ONE: THE BREAKUP

April 28, 2025, wasn’t just an election. It was Canada’s way of politely — but unmistakably — telling the United States to take its annexation fantasies, fold them into a paper airplane, and throw them off Niagara Falls.

Mark Carney, the former central banker with the calm deadliness of a glacier, led the Liberal Party to a hard win. 168 seats — just four short of a majority. A landslide by Canadian standards, where a "wild night" usually means an extra cup of Tim Hortons after 8 PM.

The celebration was real. At the Liberal Party event in Ottawa, Carney danced alongside his wife, Diana Fox Carney, while the Canadian band Down With Webster blasted through a victory set. CTV News caught the footage. The Associated Press ran the story. The world saw it: a former central banker with the rhythm of a reluctant uncle at a wedding, finally letting loose because the country just chose sovereignty over submission.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump was still pitching Canada as the 51st state like a confused timeshare salesman. Throughout 2025, he unleashed a greatest hits album of diplomatic blunders: slapping tariffs on Canadian goods, accusing Canada of "taking advantage" of American generosity, and publicly suggesting Canada should "join the family" — while assuring Time magazine he was "really not trolling." (Which, coming from Trump, is about as reassuring as a weatherman who says it "probably won’t" be a hurricane.)

Canadian nationalism didn’t just spike — it practically started glowing in the dark. Polls showed a surge in pride and support for sovereignty. News anchors leaned harder into their "eh"s. People who hadn't worn a maple leaf since high school dug their pins out of drawers. No mass canoe purchases were reported, but for one night, Ottawa felt like a country that remembered exactly who it was — and exactly who it would never belong to.

Carney made the new reality crystal clear:

"Annexation will never happen."

Not on his watch. Not under any government remotely connected to reality.

And it wasn’t just Canada rolling its eyes. A Washington Post-ABC-Ipsos poll showed 86% of Americans — including a majority of Republicans — opposed the idea of annexing Canada. Even Trump’s own voters seemed to realize trying to force a merger with a country that still apologizes when you bump into them was one of his dumber plays.

Economically, the self-inflicted wounds were already mounting. Farmers, manufacturers, energy producers — all bleeding from Trump’s trade war. Politically, Trump had managed the impossible:
He united Canada. Against him.

It wasn’t just a political loss.
It was a strategic, cultural, and historical faceplant.

The kind you don’t walk off. The kind that leaves a chalk outline.

The breakup isn’t looming.

It’s underway.

And this time, Canada isn’t bringing snacks for the road trip.

It’s already driving away — windows down, Down With Webster blasting, a dance nobody south of the border knows the steps to.

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