Fax Us

THE UNAUTHORIZED GUIDE TO THE MOST DANGEROUS FAX NUMBERS IN AMERICA

They said faxing was dead.

They were wrong.

Closer to the Edge has recently established ten non-unique fax lines for the following ten organizations that we also recently established:

AUTHORITY FOR CATASTROPHIC ENLIGHTENMENT

This is the line you use after learning something that ruins your entire Tuesday. It’s for the moments when the curtain gets yanked back and you suddenly realize your landlord is funding a paramilitary think tank, or your aunt’s church owns a private jet. If the knowledge made you tremble, spiral, or order three pies and a hammer off Amazon, it belongs here. Send it now, before the truth tries to un-know itself.

Send your revelation to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

ALLIANCE OF CAFFEINATED EXTREMISTS

This is where we collect the jittery, half-legible notes written in Sharpie on diner napkins at 3:17 a.m. The truth doesn’t sleep, and neither do you. Whether you’re mid-manic spiral, building a zine from espresso grinds, or just got kicked out of a Reddit thread for “too much energy,” this line is open. We accept rants, diagrams, and full-page screams as long as they’re fueled by legal stimulants and raw nerve endings.

If your rage runs on espresso, send your fax to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

ARCHIVES OF CAPITALIST ERRORS

This department is the Smithsonian for late-stage capitalism’s greatest atrocities. $27 salads. Surge pricing at funerals. Unpaid internships at oil companies. Every dystopian headline that made you mutter “that can’t be real” before realizing it absolutely was. This is your upload center for economic collapse — no password required.

If you have proof that America is a paywall, send your fax to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

AGENCY FOR COUNTERFEIT EMOTION

Was that apology real? Did your boss actually mean “we’re a family”? Are those Instagram tears filtered? This line is for the staged, the hollow, the professionally rehearsed sentiment designed to manipulate your HR file or your vote. If it looked like a hostage video but came from a nonprofit, we want it.

If it smelled like bullshit but had a smiley face, send your fax to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

ADVANCED CRINGE ENFORCEMENT

You witnessed something. A lip-syncing senator. A rebrand that involved interpretive dance. A workplace video where your CEO rhymed “synergy” with “epiphany.” You didn’t ask for it, but it happened. This is the department that takes cringe off your conscience and sticks it in the permanent record, right next to that guy who did a backflip in a MAGA hat at a city council meeting.

If it made you flinch so hard you dropped your phone, send your fax to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

AUTOMATED COMPLAINT ENGINE

This is the rage spigot. The pressure valve. The line for every moment you bit your tongue, clenched your jaw, or drafted a resignation letter that began with “You hollow goblin.” We don’t care if it’s formatted. We don’t care if it’s spelled right. If your complaint burned hot enough to blister paper, you’ve found your outlet.

If it hurt, pissed you off, or gave you hives, send your fax to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

ANALOG CULT EXPANSION

Every cult needs a fax line. This one’s for the holy weirdos, the sacred unhinged, the scribes who found god in a broken vending machine and made a shrine out of receipts. Got a prophecy? Got a doctrine in crayon? We’re not saying we’ll join, but we’re not not saying that either. Fax it and we’ll see how the spirit moves.

If your cult meets on Tuesdays and sells bumper stickers, send your gospel to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

ARCHIVE OF CHAOTIC EVIDENCE

Some things don’t need context. A napkin that says “DON’T TRUST BARRY” in lipstick. A chart connecting FEMA to Frito-Lay. A receipt with a date that doesn’t exist. This is where you send the stuff that won’t stop haunting you — even if it’s just a badly drawn eyeball with the words “SHE KNOWS” underneath. We collect the unexplainable so you don’t have to.

If it shouldn’t exist and you have it anyway, send your fax to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

AGENTS OF CIVIL EXPOSURE

This is the leak line. The "oops, we saw everything" line. You got screenshots. You got audio. You saw the principal, the sheriff, and a landscaping executive all shake hands at a pancake fundraiser and now things aren’t adding up. If you have evidence that could derail a city council or get someone uninvited from Thanksgiving — fax it. We’ll pretend we’ve never heard of you.

If it burns, bites, or implicates someone with a badge, send your fax to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

APPLICATION FOR CONTINUED EXASPERATION

There is no end. There is no justice. There is only the long bureaucratic sigh of the American experiment. This line exists for those who know nothing will change, but still document it anyway. If you’ve ever said “of course they did” and then rage-folded a takeout menu, welcome home.

If you’re exhausted but still faxing, send your form to FAX-ACE-0420 (329-223-0420)

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