George Santos Writes a Letter to Senator Mike Lee

SATIRE

Dear Senator Mike Lee,

Wow.

Just… wow.

When I first saw your tweets about the Minnesota shootings — you know, the official one where you pretended to have a soul, and then the real one where you blamed “Marxists” with meme-level Photoshop — I felt something I haven’t felt since I got caught lying about producing The Lion King on Broadway: jealousy.

You, sir, are the Jedi Master of duplicity. And believe me, I don’t use that term lightly. I am a half-Jewish, quarter-Amish, full-time drag-performing Brazilian-Japanese Jedi, after all.

Your ability to speak out of both sides of your mouth while keeping your job? Inspiring. Some people condemn political violence. You? You condemn it and then immediately retweet Elon Musk calling Democrats domestic terrorists. It’s like watching Beethoven compose a sonata on a flaming harpsichord.

I used to think I was good at this. I made up degrees, jobs, charities, and sexualities — all before brunch. But you, Mike? You lied your way into sedition. That’s next-level. I faked my way into Congress. You’re helping fake your way into autocracy. And with a straight face!

Honestly, I feel like a con artist watching a hedge fund manager — different league entirely. You’re not trying to scam voters out of donations. You’re trying to scam the Constitution out of its last breath.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and say: never stop. Keep gaslighting. Keep dog-whistling. Keep tweeting both sides of the funeral. Because one day, when the Republic burns down, I want people to remember it wasn’t just me.

With forged respect and completely fabricated admiration,
Congressman (Emeritus) George A. Devolder-Zabrovsky-Santos

P.S. If you ever need a fake alibi, a fake mustache, or a fake LinkedIn endorsement, you know who to call.

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