Hey Pam,

Have you looked into it?

Hey Pam,

We understand you’re busy. Really, we do. You’ve got your hands full with the existential crisis of our time: four Code Pink ladies yelling “Free Palestine” while Trump tried to stab a fork into his $90 steak. A moment so harrowing that the Department of Justice — designed to prosecute cartels, mob bosses, and war criminals — had to be mobilized like the Marines hitting Iwo Jima. Your deputy goes on CNN to seriously float RICO charges against hecklers at a seafood joint. Pam, let’s not sugarcoat it: that’s like launching a nuclear strike because someone dinged your car door at the Olive Garden.

But since you keep telling us you’ve also got “tons of video footage” from Epstein’s vaults to look at, let’s check in. How’s that going? Or are you too exhausted from interrogating the busboy at Joe’s Seafood, demanding to know if the protesters ordered their calamari under a fake name?

Here’s the thing, Pam. You’ve managed to rebrand yourself as America’s official “Look Into It Lady.” Trump says it, you parrot it: “I’ve asked Pam to look into that.” Protesters? You’re looking into it. Hate speech? Looking into it. Paper straws? Probably looking into it. Meanwhile, thousands of hours of digital evidence — videos, photos, electronic records — showing who-knows-what horrors played out on Epstein’s island sit in your inbox like unopened spam. That’s the thing we’d like you to actually look into, Pam.

And we don’t mean “look into” in the Washington sense — the polite synonym for “stall until everyone forgets.” We mean actually hit play. Give us a rundown. Were people being victimized in those videos? Yes? Then who? Name names. Give us faces. Give us titles. Let us see who they are so we can all help identify them, like a grotesque game of America’s Most Wanted. Because the longer you drag this out, the more obvious it becomes: you’ll unleash the full prosecutorial weight of the DOJ on protesters with a megaphone, but when it comes to billionaires with a private jet and a hard drive full of secrets? Suddenly the dog ate your homework.

Don’t tell us you’re “protecting victims.” Protecting victims doesn’t mean hiding perpetrators. Don’t tell us there’s “no credible evidence.” That’s bureaucratic code for “we don’t want to touch this with a ten-foot pole because the fingerprints on those tapes go straight to the donor list.” Don’t tell us you’re still “reviewing.” You’ve been “reviewing” longer than Trump spent parading around with Jeffrey Epstein, grinning for the cameras at Mar-a-Lago like it was prom night for predators

Here’s the vicious irony, Pam: America knows more about the protesters’ appetizer order at Joe’s Seafood than we do about who abused minors on Epstein’s properties. Why? Because you made sure cameras were in the steakhouse, microphones were in your deputy’s face, and headlines screamed about RICO charges for heckling — while those videos, the ones you promised to comb through, sit like radioactive waste in a government vault.

So yes, Pam, keep looking into protesters. Keep protecting Trump’s delicate dining experience. Keep filing memos about the dangers of restaurant heckling. But don’t think we don’t notice what you’re not looking into. We see the shell game. We see the stall. We see the selective outrage.

When history writes this chapter, your name won’t be remembered for defending America’s laws. It’ll be remembered for being Trump’s designated broom — the one who swept steakhouse hecklers into a file labeled “organized crime” while leaving Epstein’s files to rot in the dark.

With zero patience left,
The Public

P.S. Pam — if you can’t manage a summary of the Epstein videos, at least tell us: were there more perpetrators than protesters at Joe’s Seafood? Because we’d bet our appetizers the answer is yes.

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