LEAKED SIGNAL CHAT — “🧃OPERATION: COMMANDO BRUNCH🧃”

RAW TRANSCRIPT: 96 proof, 98% satire, and 100% OPSEC

Participants:

• Pete Hegseth — Secretary of Defense 🥃🛩️🧠🚀

• Jennifer Rauchet — Pete’s wife 🧃📺💅💄

• Penelope Hegseth — Pete’s mom ☕🧓😡🪑

• Chad Hegseth — Pete’s brother 💪🧢🥴⚔️

• JD Vance — Vice President of the United States 🧎‍♂️🧣🥚📞🕯️🫠

• Marco Rubio — Secretary of State 🙈📴🫥🧊

• EsqHammer1776 — Pete’s personal lawyer 🧑‍⚖️📠🚨📉📛

• Tulsi Gabbard — mostly ambient noise 👁️📡🤷‍♀️📿

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FULL TRANSCRIPT:

Pete Hegseth:
MORNING BRIEF: bourbon in the mug 🥃✅
shirt in the yard 👕🌪️💨
launch codes on a sticky note ✅🗒️✍️
let’s talk Yemen 🛫📍📉🗺️💭

Jennifer Rauchet:
Pete’s already two bourbons deep 🥃🥃 and humming Toby Keith 🎤🎵 into a tactical helmet 🪖🎧
it's 7:43 AM ⏰🥴

Pete Hegseth:
bourbon is breakfast 🥃🍳
coffee is a lie ☕🚫
morale is high 📈 liver is humming 🫀🎶

Penelope Hegseth:
Peter, this is the third consecutive day 📆 you’ve started national security planning 🧠📉 with whiskey 🥃 and beef jerky 🥓🥩😡
your breath smells like a gas station ⛽🫢

Chad Hegseth:
yo he just poured Knob Creek 🥃 over a granola bar 🍫🧱
called it “power fueling” 🏋️‍♂️⚡🔥

JD Vance:
Hi 👋
Is now a bad time to mention I had a dream 💤 where I got hugged? 🫂🧎‍♂️
It felt… significant 🪄😔

Jennifer Rauchet:
JD 😶
now is not the time ⛔🧃📡

Pete Hegseth:
now is the time 🕛
for bourbon #3 🥃🥃🥃
this one’s called “freedom juice” 🦅🇺🇸💦

EsqHammer1776:
Please remember this chat is not secure 🔓📱🚨
and Pete, please stop referring to alcohol as “strategic fortification” 🧑‍⚖️🧱🥃🪖

JD Vance:
Does anyone want to just… talk? 🗣️😟
I’m not even lonely anymore. I’m just ambient ☁️🫧🕯️
I ate a boiled egg in silence 🥚🤐 and it made me cry 😢

Tulsi Gabbard:
👁️🎧💭

Marco Rubio:
Auto-reply: “Out of office, indefinitely. Please contact someone who still believes.” 📴🕳️😶‍🌫️

Chad Hegseth:
Pete’s making a martini 🍸 in a canteen 🥫
with vodka 🧊, beef broth 🥩, and crushed Tylenol 💊🥴

Penelope Hegseth:
Peter. That’s not a drink. That’s a cry for help 🙃🧼🧯

Pete Hegseth:
no it’s a Ranger Martini™ 🚁🍸
served warm 🌡️. like war 🔥💣💬

JD Vance:
My houseplants keep dying 🪴💀
I haven’t touched them. They just… know 👃🫥

Jennifer Rauchet:
JD
please mute yourself 🔇🙏

EsqHammer1776:
Pete just tried to sign ✍️ a drone strike authorization 📄 using a bottle of Wild Turkey 🦃🥃
it soaked through the form 📜💧
the form disintegrated ☠️
I’m going to cry 😖

Pete Hegseth:
that’s called operational aging 🧓📆
makes the paper stronger in spirit 🧻🪄💪🥃

Chad Hegseth:
yo Pete’s on bourbon #5 🥃🥃🥃🥃
he just saluted the fridge 🫡🧊
and called it “Command Central” 🧠🧊🛃

JD Vance:
Does anyone want to go to Chili’s 🌶️
not even to eat 🍽️. just to sit near people 🧍‍♂️👥🥲

Penelope Hegseth:
Peter. He needs help 👨‍⚕️ You need help 🆘
I need an Advil 💊 and a new son 👶

Pete Hegseth:
i’m fine 👍
JD’s fine 🧍‍♂️
we’re ALL FINE 🔥😐
except Marco
Marco’s a fucking screensaver 🖥️🧘‍♂️

Marco Rubio:
Status: buffering 🔄📡

Tulsi Gabbard:
👂🤨🥃📻

JD Vance:
I just whispered my name 🧎‍♂️📛 into a pint of yogurt 🥣
and then put it back in the fridge ❄️
someone will find it 🔍
someone will know 🤫

Jennifer Rauchet:
okay
i’m ending this chat 🚫🫣
Pete—drink water 🚰
JD—call someone ☎️
Chad—stop whatever you’re doing 🛑🫵

Pete Hegseth:
NEW THREAD:
🪖OPERATION: LAST CALL🪖
Password = “barrelaged” 🛢️🔐
meeting in 5 ⏱️
bring your livers 🫁🫁🫁

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Yes, it’s satire — we made it up. But we had to, because reality stopped trying.

Subscribe to Closer to the Edge for sharp, unruly satire built on a foundation of real-world chaos. When the government’s drunk at brunch, someone has to take notes — and we brought the damn notebook.