MIKE JOHNSON SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT
SATIRE
(Mike Johnson stumbles to the podium with his tie twisted like a noose he doesn’t realize he’s wearing. Reporters circle. The scent of flop sweat and panic fills the hallway.)
Reporter 1: Speaker Johnson, yesterday you told us Donald Trump was an FBI informant in the Epstein case. Do you stand by that?
Johnson: Absolutely not. What I meant to say is that Donald Trump was never an informant. He was more of a… casual observer. A guy who just happened to be on the jet, in the black book, in the photos, praising Epstein, and showing up in every damn file—but not an informant. Just… committed to coincidence.
Reporter 2: So those flight logs listing Trump in 1997—real or fake?
Johnson: Real, but irrelevant. Being on Epstein’s plane doesn’t make you guilty. I’ve been on a Greyhound bus. Does that make me responsible for everyone’s parole violations? No. Trump was just a passenger. A passenger who reclined his seat into the lap of human trafficking.
Reporter 3: He’s in Epstein’s contact book with multiple numbers.
Johnson: Look, that book was just a glorified Rolodex. Everyone was in it. Your plumber, your dentist, the guy who fixed your fax machine, and—coincidentally—the future President of the United States. Nothing suspicious about rubbing elbows with a predator as long as you also listed a pizza place.
Reporter 1: There’s video of Trump laughing with Epstein at Mar-a-Lago in 1992.
Johnson: People laugh all the time. Nervous laughter. Social laughter. The kind of laugh you do when your buddy is joking about underage girls and you’re too cowardly to leave the room. Perfectly innocent.
Reporter 2: In 2002 Trump literally called Epstein “a terrific guy” who “likes beautiful women on the younger side.”
Johnson: Taken out of context. He meant “younger side” like… twenty-five. Or twenty-four and eleven months. Definitely not younger than that. Look, if you squint, Trump was actually condemning Epstein. In a… friendly way.
Reporter 3: But why did he later ban Epstein from Mar-a-Lago?
Johnson: Out of courage. Or jealousy. Or a staff dispute. The reasons change depending on which spin draft I’m holding. The important thing is he banned him—like Pontius Pilate washing his hands after inviting someone to dinner.
Reporter 1: What about Ghislaine Maxwell? Trump wished her well.
Johnson: That was just… Christian charity. Nothing says moral leadership like sending Hallmark condolences to a sex trafficker.
Reporter 2: Alexander Acosta resigned from Trump’s cabinet over the sweetheart deal he gave Epstein.
Johnson: And that proves Trump is tough on crime. He gave the guy a job, then let him resign in disgrace. It’s called accountability—Trump style.
Reporter 3: These 33,000 pages of Epstein files still mention Trump.
Johnson: Pages mention lots of names. You’ll find Trump right next to billionaires, princes, and washed-up celebrities. Think of it as a society page, not an indictment. He’s basically guilty of networking too hard.
Reporter 1: Survivors testified Epstein bragged about his friendship with Trump.
Johnson: Survivors say things under oath. And under trauma. And sometimes under lighting that makes everything seem more sinister. Just because Epstein bragged about Trump doesn’t mean Trump bragged about Epstein. It’s called one-way admiration—like when you pine for someone who never texts back.
Reporter 2: So to be clear: Trump flew on the plane, showed up in the black book, posed for the photos, laughed at the parties, praised Epstein, banned him later, hired Acosta, wished Maxwell well, and got named in the files. And you’re saying all of that means nothing?
Johnson (voice cracking, papers fluttering): Exactly. Nothing. Less than nothing. A cosmic void of nothing. If you put all these facts in a blender and hit purée, you’d get a smoothie of total innocence. Thick, creamy innocence. Delicious, nutritious—wait, strike that last part.
Reporter 3: You’ve contradicted yourself at least a dozen times.
Johnson (sweating through his suit): That’s not contradiction, that’s flexibility. Truth is a yoga pose, and I’m very limber.
Reporter 1: Final question: Was Trump an informant, a bystander, a friend, or an accessory?
Johnson (losing it): Yes. All of the above. None of the above. Don’t write that down. Forget I said that. This gaggle is off the record, retroactively.
(He trips over the podium, breaking his glasses as he faceplants, and crawls toward the elevator. Reporters continue to ask questions as his binder falls open, every page stamped: “DRAFT SPIN #12: LIE HARDER.”)
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Here’s an imagined interview that could be real…
That is exactly what they sound like when they try and defend Trump!!
Equally as bad is when they sit in their meetings go around the table and throw praises at Trump before they can start the meeting!! I want to throw up every time I hear it!