MINNESOTA NICE

Ope. Nope. You can fuck all the way off.

Before we dive into this frostbitten sermon, a quick note: this is Off JaWaggon, social media’s ranter-philosopher who films blistering political takedowns while trudging through Minnesota weather that would kill a lesser man or at least make him reconsider his life choices. He’s the patron saint of windburned truth-telling, the guy who delivers commentary with the precision of a snowplow blade and the temperament of someone who has absolutely had it with fascists, flakes, and anyone disrespecting his state. What follows is his full transcript, preserved in all its profanity-powered, subzero clarity.

From Off JaWaggon:

“So Bubba’s boner holster is once again insulting my state, my people, my governor, and using ableist slurs to do so. This is of course a result once again of the fragile masculinity Führer being insulted after learning that Minnesota nice means telling bullies, “Ope. Nope. You can fuck all the way off.”

And this time, Tim Walz wasn’t even being that mean. He simply just asked the dementia diddler to release the MRI results of his perfect MRI exam. The most perfect MRI exam ever seen in the history of MRI exams, which seems like a reasonable request. It sounds historic. Something that should be shared with the American people. Something that would renew our confidence in the fact that the man who is clearly a very stable genius because he can identify an elephant on a dementia test is in peak physical condition to lead the most powerful country on Earth.

Because I mean, clearly 80-year-old dudes obviously get random MRIs in between scheduled doctor’s visits for no reason other than just to prove how peak physical condition they actually are. So, I don’t know why asking to see this perfect amazing exam resulted in such deep offense to cunnilingus Caligula. Or maybe he’s still just lashing out because he hasn’t gotten over the fact that we all know now that it was Bill Clinton who put the dick in dictator.

But I honestly don’t know why we need to see the MRI results anyway. His skin’s so fucking thin, we can see right through it without any fancy imaging equipment. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t get so easily offended by literally everything. But being that his skin is so thin, it’s weird that he keeps trying to pick fights with people who choose to live in a place where the air hurts our face. That shit requires thick skin. This is not a battle you will win. I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, but I’m sticking with it.

Point being is I’m only mildly annoyed by this particular attack on my state, its people, and its leadership. And I still chose to come outside right now when it is 3° outside to shit-talk you. And my fingers still work. I just don’t get why you would choose to fuck with us. We’re not the ones. Just ask Virginia. They’re still begging for their flag back after they outnumbered us 5 to one and we kicked their ass and took it from them.

But in addition to him using ableist slurs against Minnesotans, he’s going a step further and trying desperately to tie the shooting of the guardsman in DC to the Minnesota Somali community. First of all, sir, you can fuck all the way off with that. The man was Afghani, which is thousands of miles away from Somalia. He had CIA credentials as far as I understand it under your administration, and your administration gave him asylum in this country.

The man has no connection to Minnesota whatsoever, and the blood of those guardsmen is squarely on the hands of Donald Trump. He has been the one stoking division. He is the one who illegally ordered U.S. armed service members to be in DC where they should not have been and now is politicizing their death that he is personally responsible for and using it to justify increasing the conditions where more violence is likely to occur by sending more troops to DC where they are not allowed or supposed to be.

And to say that Minnesotans have to be locked in their homes because the state has been overrun by Somali gangs is beyond fucking ridiculous. First of all, I live here and we’re not being overrun by Somali gangs. Second off, I go to the cities all the time and have never once been attacked by the “roving hordes of Somali gangs.”

But he is right in the sense that Minnesota has recently had an explosion in crime and gang violence. We’ve recently been overrun with roving gangs of white incel cucks in masks pretending to be federal agents. But Minnesotans don’t stay locked in their homes for that either. They come out of their homes and confront those gangs and tell them to fuck all the way off because again, we live here. We aren’t afraid of ICE.

And because we live here, we keep lots of salt on hand because we know that nothing clears ice from our streets quite like a salting. And it’s only December, so remember, we are prepared for a long winter with lots of ice. And if you keep this shit up, we can get a lot more salty.”

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Closer to the Edge Podcast

This week on the Closer to the Edge podcast, we dragged Jordan from Off JaWaggon out of his Minnesota pasture and into the resistance bunker. We get into how Nixon deliberately split workers from nerds, why MAGA is basically a multilevel marketing scheme for grievance, how family farms are getting strangled while corporate ag gets fat, and why shame is sometimes the only language fascists respond to. It’s class war, rural politics, farm crisis, death threats, kink DMs, and ice fishing in a hydraulic shack on a frozen lake, all wrapped in gallows humor and high-viz clarity.

If this is the kind of conversation you want more of, this is literally what your paid subscription funds: independent media that doesn’t flinch when it names fascism, doesn’t sanitize the language to keep ad buyers comfortable, and actually bothers to understand rural America instead of treating it like a flyover zoo exhibit. Closer to the Edge is reader-backed, not billionaire-backed, which means when we bring people like Off JaWaggon, Drill Sgt. Doug, and the rest of the resistance into the room, they answer to you, not some consultant begging us to be “more neutral” while the country slides into authoritarian sludge.

Paid subscribers keep the lights on, the mics hot, the subpoenas unread, and the travel possible for the on-the-ground reporting that the big outlets are too timid or too compromised to touch. If you want more fearless podcasts like this one, more deep dives, more unapologetically profane truth-telling from the edge of the cliff we’re all standing on, hit that upgrade button and help us keep building the loudest anti-fascist newsroom you can carry around in your pocket.