Nobody Could Have Predicted This

No one could have seen this coming. Absolutely no one — unless, of course, they had a pulse, a calendar, or a vague understanding of international trade. But for the 74 million Americans who dragged themselves to the polls in 2024 to rehire Donald Trump as President, this was exactly what you ordered — delivered fresh, hot, and right to your crumbling 401(k).

The Dow just plunged 890 points, like a bungee jumper who forgot the cord. The S&P 500, which had already been bleeding for two weeks straight, has now fallen 7.45% since late February — tumbling from 6,147.43 to 5,614.36 like someone chucked their retirement fund off a third-story balcony. The Nasdaq? It's been in a full-blown correction for days now, down over 10% from its recent peak — the kind of nosedive that makes Silicon Valley cry into their kombucha.