“Open Wide, America” – The Supreme Court’s Annual Dental Check-Up from Hell

Good morning, patients. The nation’s top dental office is now in session, and your Supreme Court just performed oral surgery on democracy without anesthesia.

In a 6–3 decision that can only be described as malpractice with a gavel, the conservative majority just declared that teeth are optional—or rather, that the judicial branch no longer needs any.

Let’s meet our dental butchers:

🦷 Chief Justice John “Floss Twice a Day (But Not Nationwide)” Roberts

America’s favorite spineless orthodontist decided that universal injunctions are “too messy.” That’s rich coming from a guy whose legal decisions have more plaque buildup than a trucker’s molars after three weeks on the road.

John doesn’t want district judges halting harmful policies for everyone—just the plaintiffs. Because apparently, in his office, we treat cavities one tooth at a time, even if the jawbone is already infected. Efficiency? Justice? Infection control? Get fucked. Here’s a lollipop and a prayer.

🦷 Amy Coney “Rinse and Spit” Barrett

Dr. Barrett penned the opinion like she was describing a gentle cleaning, when in fact she ripped out the lower incisors of the Constitution with rusty pliers and a smile.

She calls it restraint. We call it extraction without consent. Amy believes a single judge shouldn’t block a nationwide policy—even if it’s burning through rights like a cigar through floss. Sorry, folks. If you want your fillings done, you’ll need to sue individually. Or better yet, just gum your food and obey.

🦷 Neil “Novocain Is for Libs” Gorsuch

Dr. Gorsuch doesn’t believe in pain relief. He believes in letting people feel the full consequences of tyranny—personally. You’re not party to the lawsuit? Then suck it up and let the infection fester. Maybe if your gums swell hard enough, the Court will notice in five years.

He’s not a dentist. He’s the creepy orthodontist who tells 12-year-olds that pain builds character and then bills their parents for “moral fiber.”

🦷 Brett “Bud Light Mouthwash” Kavanaugh

You already know he doesn’t sterilize his tools. Brett came to this ruling drunk on power and fluoride, grinding away at judicial authority like it insulted his frat house. The only thing this man flosses is whatever was left of procedural fairness.

He’s the oral surgeon who removes your wisdom teeth by punching them through the back of your skull and then tells you to thank him for the “freedom” to chew sideways.

🦷 Clarence “Silent but Deadly Drills” Thomas

Clarence doesn’t say much, but when he does, he whispers things like “We should revisit Brown v. Board” while sharpening dental picks into constitutional shivs. He didn’t just vote to eliminate nationwide injunctions—he’s wondering if we can go ahead and eliminate standing altogether.

Why wait for cavities? Let’s just rip all the teeth out now and call it originalism.

🦷 Samuel “Gingivitis for Jesus” Alito

Sam Alito flosses with the torn-up pages of civil rights rulings. He voted to neuter lower court powers because deep down, he doesn’t think courts should ever restrain executive power. Especially when the executive wears a red hat and screams “WITCH HUNT” like a toddler with a dental drill.

This man treats oral health like he treats democracy: optional, painful, and best outsourced to angry rich men with medieval tools.

The Result?

Imagine a country where the front tooth of liberty gets knocked out, and instead of reaching for dental cement, the justices shrug and say, “Well, the plaintiff got a veneer. The rest of you? Learn to smile through the blood.”

Nationwide relief? Gone. Class-wide protections? Gone. Judicial restraint? Nope. It’s just gums and silence now.

We’re not a nation of laws. We’re a nation of root canals without anesthesia.

🩸 The Dissenters Tried

Sotomayor, Kagan, and Jackson tried to scream from the back of the exam room, but their chairs were bolted down. They warned that stripping courts of this power means letting disease fester until it’s terminal. They begged the Court not to leave Americans chewing injustice raw—but the hygienists had already clocked out, and the suction tube was jammed.

Final Verdict?

The Supreme Court has crippled the judicial branch’s ability to protect the public in real time. They’ve turned the emergency brake into a goddamn paperweight. If you’re lucky enough to file a lawsuit and win, congrats—you get one molar back.

The rest of us? We’re left spitting blood, chewing on executive overreach, and wondering why the toothbrush was ever invented in the first place.

Open wide, America. Justice is no longer covered by your plan.

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Closer to the Edge is 100% reader-supported, gum-to-bone journalism—raw, unflinching, and biting harder than the average set of molars. We roast fascists, decode power grabs, and floss the plaque out of America's crumbling institutions one article at a time.