PARDON ME
A Desperate Letter from the Man Who Tried to Make Trump Derangement Syndrome Minnesota Law
EDITOR’S NOTE: The following letter is political parody inspired by actual events. Justin Eichorn did not write it, Donald Trump did not receive it, and nobody at Closer to the Edge has been retained to repair Justin’s marriage, political career, reputation, or Google results.
Dear Mr. President,
I hope this letter finds you well, and preferably in a pardoning mood. You may not remember me, which would be disappointing considering what I have done for you. My name is Justin Eichorn, former Republican state senator from Minnesota, current federal inmate, and, most importantly, one of America’s earliest legislative pioneers in the rapidly expanding field of Trump Derangement Syndrome.
I understand people are still using TDS constantly. Every time Americans protest you, somebody says TDS. Criticism of your administration? TDS. No Kings? TDS. A handmade cardboard sign containing an adjective your supporters find disagreeable? Severe TDS, possibly terminal. Your supporters have kept this diagnosis alive despite the continued refusal of the American Psychiatric Association to recognize credentials issued by Facebook, and I take enormous pride in that because I wasn’t some TDS amateur sitting at home typing it beneath a photograph of a protester. I tried to put that shit into Minnesota law.
On March 17th, 2025, four colleagues and I introduced SF 2589, legislation that would have inserted “Trump Derangement Syndrome” into Minnesota’s statutory definition of mental illness. We didn’t merely accuse your critics of being crazy. We tried to get the government to certify it. There was a definition. There were subdivisions. There was a committee referral. Mr. President, I gave TDS paperwork. The bill went to the Health and Human Services Committee, because Minnesota does not have a Committee on Owning the Libs.
Unfortunately, later that same day, I experienced a minor scheduling conflict with the Bloomington Police Department. The media has chosen to describe this portion of March 17th using an unnecessarily alarming collection of nouns: undercover officer, seventeen, photographs, hotel, cash, condom, two iPhones. Frankly, almost anything sounds bad if you list the nouns.
According to the government’s case, I had been communicating with someone I believed was a 17-year-old girl. I asked for photographs. There were conversations about money. There was discussion of Minnesota’s age-of-consent law, which I maintain was perfectly consistent with my duties as a legislator because legislators should understand statutes. Then I drove to Bloomington. Some people call that “arriving at the arranged meeting location.” I call it supporting Minnesota infrastructure.
Police arrested me outside the hotel and found two phones, cash, and an unopened condom. Again, these are ordinary consumer products. Target sells all three. Admittedly, Target generally prefers customers not combine them into a federal criminal complaint, but I digress.
Things became unnecessarily complicated from there. I resigned from the Minnesota Senate. My wife filed for divorce. There were subsequent government allegations involving a laptop, a factory-reset phone, and a firearm found in my apartment. Eventually, on May 14th, 2026, I pleaded guilty to attempted possession of child pornography, admitting in federal court that after being told repeatedly that the person was 17, I repeatedly requested nude photographs. I am now in federal custody awaiting sentencing on September 23rd.
But, Mr. President, I believe everyone is focusing on the wrong story.
What about TDS?
People are STILL USING IT. That means my work mattered. Every time one of your supporters calls a protester “deranged,” they are carrying forward the intellectual tradition I helped establish in Minnesota. Unfortunately, this creates what I believe you will recognize as a serious branding problem, because increasingly somebody responds, “TDS? Wasn’t Justin Eichorn one of the guys who introduced that bill?”
Then somebody Googles me.
This is where things deteriorate rapidly.
Suddenly we’re discussing Bloomington. Then we’re discussing the 17-year-old undercover persona. Then somebody discovers the guilty plea. Then nobody wants to talk about who is deranged anymore. This is terrible for TDS.
Which is why, Mr. President, I believe pardoning me would not merely help me in my time of need. It would help protect people who still want to accuse your critics of having Trump Derangement Syndrome. Think about the message. If you pardon the man who tried to put TDS into Minnesota law, everybody can go right back to using the acronym without experiencing that strange five-second silence where they remember what happened to one of its legislative champions. A pardon removes the awkwardness. It tells America: Nothing weird happened here.
More importantly, I believe a pardon could restore my life. My attorneys tell me presidential clemency cannot technically restore my Minnesota Senate seat, which I think is unnecessarily negative. Politics is about momentum. First comes the pardon. Then perhaps the Republican Party remembers that I am an experienced legislator. Then somebody finds me an advisory position. Then my reputation begins recovering. Then perhaps my wife sees the news.
I’m not saying a presidential pardon automatically fixes a marriage. I’m merely saying we don’t know because nobody has tried hard enough. Imagine her seeing the chyron: TRUMP PARDONS FORMER MINNESOTA SENATOR JUSTIN EICHORN. She might remember the man she married. The public might remember the senator. My former colleagues might remember the conservative leader. Google might eventually put something above “child pornography” when people type my name.
Mr. President, this could work. I could get my career back, my reputation back, and my marriage back, perhaps not in that order. I have already drafted a possible campaign slogan: JUSTIN EICHORN: PARDONED AND READY TO SERVE. Please have your people poll that.
There is another reason I’m optimistic. I heard your remarks yesterday about women who supposedly approach you at the White House to thank you for making Washington safer. You repeatedly described them as “young, beautiful girls,” eventually arriving at “young, gorgeous, beautiful girls” like you were entering adjectives into a combination lock. Your words gave me and people like me some hope. I want you to know that. I need you to know that.
I also want you to know that while other Republicans simply comtinue to use the acronym; I put my name on legislation. Other people posted memes; I introduced statutory language. Other Republicans bought hats; I sacrificed my Senate seat, my reputation, my marriage, my freedom, and an absolutely astonishing amount of money in attorneys’ fees. Nobody has given more to the cause than me.
So I’m asking for a pardon. Not because I am currently incarcerated and facing sentencing on September 23rd. Not because I’d like my career back, or my marriage, or because I’d strongly prefer Google to stop completing my name with words my mother doesn’t enjoy reading. Those are merely enormous coincidences.
Do it for TDS.
Because somewhere in America right now, somebody is looking at thousands of peaceful protesters and typing TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME!!! And somewhere underneath that comment, somebody else is replying, “Wasn’t Justin Eichorn the TDS guy?” Then comes the silence. Then comes a quick search on Google, and, suddenly, using TDS to question somebody else’s judgment feels considerably less satisfying.
You can end this, Mr. President. You can restore the dignity of three letters. You can make it safe again for people everywhere to call complete strangers mentally ill without having to think about the spectacularly unfortunate biography of a Minnesota politician who tried to make that insult state law.
Please pardon me. Save my reputation. Save my career. Save my marriage. But above all, save TDS.
Respectfully,
Justin D. Eichorn
Former Minnesota State Senator
Co-Author, SF 2589
Trump Derangement Syndrome Legislative Pioneer
Federal Inmate
Husband, Technically Pending Further Developments
Future Senator, Subject to Polling
Please do with this letter what you will. The next time someone uses the acronym TDS to describe your criticism of this administration, please share this letter and ask that person if they think Justin Eichorn should receive a presidential pardon.