The Great American Sell-Off: Trump’s $5 Million Gold Card Scheme

We should have seen this coming. Donald Trump, America’s unflushable turd of corruption, has finally cut out the middleman and put U.S. citizenship up for sale like a clearance item at one of his bankrupt casinos.

For a mere $5 million, the world’s wealthiest tax-dodgers can now purchase a “Gold Card”—a visa so opulent and sleazy it might as well come with a free timeshare in a collapsing Florida high-rise.

That’s right, Trump has replaced America’s immigration system with a Black Friday deal for billionaires. Who needs democracy when you can just PayPal your way into the country?

“Green Card Privileges-PLUS!”

Trump, always the late-stage capitalist car salesman, is marketing this as “Green Card Privileges-PLUS!” because nothing screams America like a shameless upsell.

Imagine Ellis Island, but instead of exhausted immigrants in tattered clothes, it’s a parade of hedge fund ghouls, Saudi princes, and Russian mobsters waving suitcases of cash. You don’t have to earn a damn thing—just fork over $5 million, and boom! You’re an honorary Mar-a-Lago member.

The best part? Trump’s team claims this program will fix the national debt—as if a million foreign billionaires are suddenly going to Venmo $5 trillion to the U.S. Treasury instead of stashing it in the Cayman Islands.

It’s like watching a man try to pay off his mortgage by buying scratch-off tickets.

Russian Oligarchs? Hell Yeah!

When asked if Russian oligarchs could apply, Trump—the only man alive who can incriminate himself in a single sentence—said:

"I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people."

Fantastic. America is now offering luxury citizenship to Putin’s besties, and Trump is handing out "Buy One, Launder One Free" deals to every corrupt billionaire with an offshore account.

Remember when MAGA supporters threw tantrums about immigrants “stealing” America? Now their hero is literally selling it off in bulk like a Costco multipack.

Some guy in rural Ohio is still convinced that immigrants are ruining his life, while Trump is handing out visas to Dubai sheikhs and Chinese CEOs like a nightclub promoter offering VIP wristbands.

The Most Trumpian Scam Yet

At this point, what even is America under Trump 2.0? The Statue of Liberty might as well be holding a credit card swiper instead of a torch.

We’ve gone from "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses" to "Give me your wire transfer, your luxury yacht, your offshore slush fund."

It’s not just corruption—it’s corruption with a promo code.

Will this work? Of course not. It’s a get-rich-quick scheme disguised as policy. The only thing Trump is good at selling is the illusion of success—which is why everything he touches turns into a financial dumpster fire.

And that’s where we are—America, the world’s first late-stage capitalist theme park, where the rich cut to the front of the citizenship line while everyone else gets stuck on hold with ICE. Trump isn’t running a country; he’s running a clearance sale. Today it’s green cards, tomorrow it’ll be naming rights to national parks and a half-price sale on nuclear launch codes. The most depressing part? His supporters will still cheer, convinced that somehow, this is "draining the swamp" rather than just stocking it with wealthier alligators.

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