THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MAGA

SATIRE

CAST INTRODUCTIONS

JENNIFER RAUCHET HEGSETH — Former Fox exec turned hyper-alert Pentagon wife. Proud matriarch of a seven-kid MAGA Brady Bunch. Drinks rosé but flinches every time Pete touches bourbon. Thinks Alexa is listening. Not wrong.

JEANETTE RUBIO — Always looks like she just came from a Christian CrossFit class. Married to Marco “Sweat Tsunami” Rubio. Has 40 essential oils but none for self-respect.

USHA VANCE — JD's better half, legal mind, and full-time damage controller. Developed PTSD from a furniture showroom incident. Keeps a fire extinguisher next to the sectional.

MELANIA TRUMP — Legally still First Lady. Marble-skinned. Emotionally bulletproof. Speaks like an AI trained on nihilism and perfume ads. May or may not be plotting escape.

SCENE: JEANETTE RUBIO'S DC TOWNHOUSE. NIGHT.

Four women, one war, too much wine.

Jennifer clutches her rosé like a lifeline. Jeanette dabs Marco’s latest press conference sweat off her phone with a linen napkin. Usha is sitting bolt upright, legs crossed, clutching a couch pillow like it might betray her. Melania sips something that looks like water but feels like vodka filtered through diamonds.

Jeanette (scrolling): Marco said today’s strike was "measured." The man was vibrating like a carnival ride.

Jennifer (staring at the wine): Pete tried to brief me this morning using salt shakers and a banana. Then he cried.

Usha (tight-lipped): JD hasn't blinked since Wednesday.

Jeanette (no filter): Did he try to have sex with the furniture again?

Usha: Excuse me?

Jeanette: Oh, I’m sorry. Was that out loud? At least Marco only sweats on people. JD sees a couch and needs a cigarette.

Jennifer (whispering): It had cupholders...

Usha: HE WAS DRUNK. AND IT WAS A LEATHER SECTIONAL.

Melania (deadpan): You are all so loud. And so embarrassing.

Jeanette's phone buzzes. Everyone freezes.

Jeanette (reading): Oh no. He posted. Trump just wrote:

"MIGA!!! GOLD TOWERS, NO AYATOLLAHS!!!"

Jennifer (shaking): Pete said it wasn't regime change. He promised!

Usha: JD testified. He testified this was a "targeted deterrence effort." Now Trump’s yelling MIGA like it’s a flavor of Mountain Dew.

Jeanette (screaming): Marco said it was diplomacy with a backbone! Not a bombing campaign with a branding strategy!

Jennifer (near tears): Pete tried to nuke a wasp nest. With actual fire. He said it was symbolic. He gets so drunk sometimes.

Usha (hyperventilating)

Melania: Donald calls it "the Persian opportunity." He wants to install Ivanka as Shah.

Jeanette: Your husband doesn’t have a fucking clue, Melania!

Jennifer: Pete named our Roomba “CENTCOM” and gave it a rank. He hides liquor bottles in strange places.

Usha: Most husbands get upset when their wives tell them to sleep on the couch. JD never complains about it.

Jeanette: Marco drinks his own sweat to stay hydrated under pressure. He says it's tactical.

Melania (sipping): Donald sleeps with a revolver and dreams of Mussolini. I no longer wake him.

Jennifer (melting down): I found Pete crying in the shower. He said the tiles were “listening.” I don’t know what to do!

Jeanette (shouting): Marco won't take off his State Department badge! He wore it to bed! I woke up with an eagle seal on my thigh!

Usha (sobbing): JD brought home a footstool and said it was "foreplay."

Melania (monotone): Jeanette, you cry too much. It makes your face look... soft.

Jeanette: At least my husband didn't fuck a couch!

Usha: At least mine isn’t made of sweat and failed dreams!

Jennifer: At least mine didn’t try to stage a coup!

Melania: All of your husbands are clowns. My husband owns the circus.

(Silence. Until Usha hurls her wine at Melania. It splashes. Melania doesn’t flinch.)

Melania (slowly standing): You missed.

FREEZE FRAME.

VOICEOVER: Next week on The Real Housewives of MAGA:

• Jeanette waterboards Marco with Pedialyte.

• Jennifer stages a "dry run" divorce.

• Usha holds a séance to banish the couch spirit.

• Melania disappears into the Lincoln Bedroom and emerges speaking Latin.

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