This ain't no DOGE ball!

There is a special kind of madness infecting the American political system, a swirling cocktail of billionaire megalomania, bootlicking opportunism, and the kind of arrogant incompetence that would get laughed out of a Dilbert comic. And at the heart of it all, chugging a Diet Mountain Dew like it’s the blood of Christ, stands J.D. Vance—America’s most desperate method actor—flanked by Elon Musk, the world’s wealthiest Reddit mod, both of them rallying to defend a man who said, "Just for the record, I was racist before it was cool.

Yes, you read that correctly. The esteemed Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE, because Musk governs like a man whose brain has been permanently warped by meme stocks) has found itself in a bit of a PR pickle after one of its golden boys, Marko Elez, was caught posting such spicy takes as "Normalize Indian hate." When the Wall Street Journal unearthed his racist, now-deleted social media rants, Elez resigned, which—under normal, sane conditions—would have been the end of it.

But no. Enter Elon "What If Ayn Rand Had a Twitter Addiction" Musk, who decided the best course of action was to launch a poll on X (formerly Twitter, currently a flaming clown car of fascist takes and crypto scams) to let his adoring incel followers decide whether the racist wunderkind should be reinstated. The result? A landslide victory for hate-posting tech bros everywhere. Democracy in action.

And just when you thought this couldn't get any dumber, J.D. Vance, America’s most committed cosplay hillbilly, decided to chime in:

"I obviously disagree with some of Elez’s posts, but I don’t think stupid social media activity should ruin a kid’s life."

Ah yes, classic conservative wisdom: If you’re a 25-year-old white guy who posts racist screeds online, you’re just a kid making stupid social media mistakes. But if you’re a Black 14-year-old who shoplifts a bag of chips, you’re an incorrigible thug who needs tough on crime policies to straighten you out. Funny how that works.

And let’s not forget the most horrifyingly insane part of all this: Elez wasn’t just some random intern stapling TPS reports. No, this guy was part of a Musk-run operation that was given access to the U.S. Treasury’s payment system. Let me repeat that for the people in the cheap seats: This rage-posting, eugenics-obsessed tech bro—who once said he wouldn’t marry outside his own race—had his hands on the mechanisms that control 90% of federal payments.

Meanwhile, Musk’s DOGE cult is systematically dismantling entire government agencies under the guise of efficiency, including slashing USAID from over 10,000 employees to 300. Because nothing says American greatness like gutting foreign aid while letting a crypto-fueled billionaire and his band of maladjusted interns take over the Treasury.

And J.D. Vance? The man whose political ideology now boils down to whatever culture war grievance will keep Trump from calling him a cuck on Truth Social? He’s out here treating this like the free speech battle of the century. You have to hand it to him—the guy is nothing if not committed to the bit. One minute, he’s awkwardly toasting Diet Mountain Dew on Newsmax like he’s trying to summon the ghost of Appalachia. The next, he’s defending a racist Treasury-adjacent programmer with all the enthusiasm of a man who knows he’ll never be truly accepted by the MAGA faithful.

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Musk announces that DOGE will be run exclusively via Twitter polls from now on. Should we let all federal agencies be managed by 19-year-old Thiel Fellows? Yes or No? Should we privatize the FBI and let Tesla engineers handle national security? Yes or No? Should J.D. Vance legally change his name to Bootlick McGroyper? Yes or No?

The wildest part? None of this is even the worst thing happening in the Trump administration right now. We’ve entered an era where every day brings some new mutant hybrid of corporate authoritarianism and frat house nihilism, where the government is run like an early beta test for a product that will never launch, and where guys like J.D. Vance will humiliate themselves on command just to stay in the good graces of a tech mogul who probably wouldn’t even let them drive his Cybertruck.

The future is here, and it’s run by idiots. The government is no longer a functioning institution—it’s a billionaire’s plaything, a tech bro fever dream where racism is just an "edgy joke," expertise is replaced with Twitter polls, and bootlickers like J.D. Vance will debase themselves on command just to stay relevant. We are living in a beta test for a corporate dystopia where the people gutting democracy aren't even competent enough to do it discreetly. They’re live-streaming their own corruption, shitposting their way through authoritarianism, and chugging Diet Mountain Dew like it's holy water. And the worst part? Half the country is still pretending this is normal.