TODDLER ON THE FLOOR: INTERROGATING THE HOUSE GOP’S MOST DANGEROUS GROWN-UPS

No press badge. No pants with belt loops. Just questions too honest for Congress to answer.

While the House of Representatives prepared to finalize the Big Beautiful Bill — a grotesque package of Medicaid cuts, food insecurity, and trickle-down fantasies — one uncredentialed reporter waddled into the center of the chamber and asked the only questions that mattered.

He had no PAC ties. No corporate sponsors. Just a turquoise T-shirt, Velcro shoes, and the kind of pure, furious innocence that no longer exists past age five.

Here is what happened when the Toddler asked today's Congress why they're trying to starve him.

TODDLER: Why are you taking away school lunch?

REP. VIRGINIA FOXX (R–NC): Because fiscal responsibility builds character. If you're hungry enough, you'll innovate.

TODDLER: Can I innovate a sandwich?

FOXX: Only if you form an LLC.

TODDLER: What happens if I get sick?

REP. ANDY BIGGS (R–AZ): God’s will. Or the invisible hand of the market. Maybe both. Either way, not my problem.

TODDLER: What’s a copay?

BIGGS: A sacred offering to the healthcare gods. It proves you're not a moocher.

TODDLER: Why are people clapping when the vote hurts me?

REP. ANNA PAULINA LUNA (R–FL): Because discipline is beautiful. And you need to grow up tough. Like an American.

TODDLER: I’m four.

LUNA: Then you’re behind schedule.

TODDLER: Why does your bill say people with cancer need to get jobs?

REP. WESLEY HUNT (R–TX): Because work sets you free. That's on the Freedom Caucus website, right under the donation button.

TODDLER: But cancer is hard.

HUNT: That’s why we cut funding for public hospitals. Pressure breeds excellence.

TODDLER: Why do rich people get tax cuts?

REP. MIKE JOHNSON (R–LA, SPEAKER): Because it’s biblical. Wealth is proof of God’s favor. Poverty is… optional.

TODDLER: Are you sure?

JOHNSON: I had a dream once where Jesus handed me a balanced budget and a flamethrower. That’s how I know.

TODDLER: Do my friends deserve food?

REP. MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE (R–GA): Only if they salute the flag, reject vaccine mandates, and can prove they’re not Antifa toddlers.

TODDLER: What’s Antifa?

GREENE: It’s like the Boogeyman but gay and unionized.

TODDLER: Why did you vote yes?

REP. JIMMY PATRONIS (R–FL): Because the donors said yes. Because Trump said yes. Because the tax calculator said yes. That’s how this works.

TODDLER: What about people?

PATRONIS: Haven’t met one who pays as well as ExxonMobil.

TODDLER: Who let me in here?

EVERYONE: You had shoes on. That’s more than some of us. Welcome to Congress.

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And there it is. A clear, concise, horrifying glimpse into the soul of a legislature hell-bent on declaring war against children while tossing checks at the rich. The toddler didn’t interrupt democracy. He interrogated its corpse.

The Big Beautiful Bill, which passed through the Senate yesterday and is now in final House negotiations, would slash food assistance, strip Medicaid eligibility, and kneecap child tax credits — all while doling out billions in cuts to fossil fuel execs, hedge fund managers, and everyone with a second home and no soul.

If these lawmakers had to explain their votes to toddlers before casting them, they’d all resign or start screaming. But they don’t. So they smile, vote, and pretend they’re saving America from socialism while feeding it to billionaires.

Let the toddler speak. He understands more than they do.

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