TRUMP SWINGS THE AXE: LOGGING, LIES, AND THE LORAX’S NIGHTMARE

THE OLD MAN IN THE ORANGE PAINTED HOUSE HAS GONE FULL LUMBERJACK, wielding his executive orders like a dull chainsaw, hacking through environmental protections and torching trade relations with Canada in one fell swoop. Donald Trump, the bloated baron of bad ideas, has signed two executive orders designed to ramp up logging on 280 million acres of national forests and pave the way for massive tariffs on imported lumber—a move that will send housing costs soaring, devastate wildlife, and give the timber industry a free-for-all on public lands.

And as the dust settles, we can almost hear the Lorax screaming from the smog-choked treetops, pleading with Trump and his army of axe-wielding cronies: “I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues!” But Trump doesn’t give a damn about trees. Hell, the only thing he’s ever planted is his own fat ass in a golf cart.

A “NATIONAL SECURITY” THREAT? WOOD? REALLY?

TRUMP’S ADMINISTRATION, IN A MOVE SO LAUGHABLE IT COULD ONLY COME FROM A WHITE HOUSE HELD TOGETHER BY DUCT TAPE AND DESPERATION, HAS DECLARED FOREIGN LUMBER A THREAT TO “NATIONAL SECURITY.”

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick has been ordered to investigate whether imports from Canada, Germany, and Brazil are compromising America’s ability to build suburban McMansions and military barracks.

To hear Trump tell it, a Canadian pine tree is now on par with a nuclear warhead. The logic is so thin it might snap in a strong breeze, but that hasn’t stopped him before. The U.S. military, he claims, spends $10 billion on construction every year, including “innovative wood products.” And, like a toddler stacking wooden blocks, Trump now seems convinced that if he just hoards enough domestic lumber, America will be safe from foreign tyranny.

The reality? The U.S. already has more trees than it knows what to do with. Unlike actual critical resources like oil or lithium, timber grows back. But treating Canadian planks like a Cold War menace gives Trump the legal excuse he needs to slap 25% tariffs on lumber imports and pretend it’s about patriotism rather than raw economic stupidity.

THE GREAT CHAINSAW MASSACRE: NATIONAL FORESTS UNDER THE AXE

NOT CONTENT TO JUST RAISE HOME PRICES AND PICK A FIGHT WITH CANADA, TRUMP HAS ALSO DECLARED WAR ON AMERICA’S OWN FORESTS. His executive order calls for “circumventing burdensome environmental regulations”—which is MAGA-speak for clear-cutting trees with the reckless abandon of a drunken logger in a hurricane.

The Endangered Species Act? A nuisance. Forest conservation? A roadblock. The idea that trees help combat climate change by absorbing carbon dioxide? Fake news, probably invented by the Deep State.

To grease the wheels for industry, Trump has resurrected the “God Squad”—a real-life, seven-member federal committee that can override environmental protections in cases of “national emergency.” The committee was originally created in 1978 for dire situations—think hurricanes, wildfires, major disasters—but now Trump wants to use it to help loggers bulldoze protected forests faster.

Blaine Miller-McFeeley of Earthjustice summed it up: “This is just about trying to cut as much of our forests as possible to line the pockets of timber industry executives.” And he’s right. Trump has already nominated a former lumber exec, Tom Schultz, to run the Forest Service, meaning the wolves aren’t just guarding the henhouse—they’re gutting it for profit.

The timber industry, of course, is thrilled. The American Forest & Paper Association is practically drooling over the prospect of easier access to national forests, though even they cautiously admit that maybe, just maybe, we should “ensure a balance between economic growth and environmental stewardship.”

BALANCE? TRUMP? THAT SHIP SAILED A LONG TIME AGO—probably on a raft made from illegal Amazonian hardwood.

CLIMATE CHANGE? WHO CARES! FIRE SEASON IS ABOUT TO GET WORSE.

TRUMP CLAIMS HE’S DOING THIS TO “REDUCE WILDFIRE RISK,” BUT THE SCIENCE SAYS OTHERWISE.

Thinning forests, when done irresponsibly, actually makes wildfires worse—it dries out the land, removes cooling shade, and creates conditions for even bigger blazes. But Trump, a man whose understanding of nature is limited to golf courses and fake marble countertops, still insists that cutting down millions of trees will somehow prevent wildfires.

The irony? His tariffs will make rebuilding after fires even more expensive. If California burns down again, residents will be paying more for materials to rebuild—because Trump jacked up lumber prices in a fit of economic nationalism.

And so, the cycle continues: Trump guts forests, wildfires rage, construction costs skyrocket, and the American people get burned—literally.

FINAL THOUGHTS: WHERE THE HELL IS THE LORAX?

IT’S HARD TO SAY WHAT’S MORE INSANE—THE FACT THAT TRUMP THINKS CANADIAN LUMBER IS A NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT, OR THE FACT THAT HE THINKS CLEAR-CUTTING NATIONAL FORESTS IS A GOOD IDEA. Either way, this is a disaster in the making, one that will drive up home prices, wreck ecosystems, and embolden every profit-hungry logger from Oregon to Alabama.

The Lorax, if he were here, would punch Trump square in the face before retreating into the last Truffula Tree, defeated. "I spoke for the trees," he’d mutter, "but no one listened."

And Trump, never one to respect silence, would simply adjust his red tie, turn on his heel, and walk away—his shoes leaving deep imprints in the dead earth, where nothing would ever grow again.

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