WE'VE SEEN SMARTER CABINETS AT IKEA
The Cabinet Room was thick with the scent of power, sweat, and the lingering fumes of Trump’s favorite hairspray. It was February 26, 2025, the first cabinet meeting of Trump’s second term, and the room was packed with familiar faces, a few new loyalists, and one billionaire tech mogul who had apparently just bought a controlling share in the U.S. government.
At the center of it all stood Elon Musk, now running something called the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—because, in 2025, even bureaucracy comes with a meme. His mission? Cut $1 trillion from federal spending. His method? Slashing waste, eliminating redundancies, and making government “run like a business.”
“But if we don't do this, America will go bankrupt. That's why it has to be done,” Musk warned. A bold statement from a man whose own companies have sucked up billions in government subsidies while routinely setting Teslas on fire. But here he was, America’s new Efficiency Czar, ready to turn the federal workforce into one giant SpaceX downsizing experiment.
THE MUSK PURGE: JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTENCE OR ELSE
Musk wasn’t here to tinker around the edges. He went straight for the jugular, demanding every federal agency submit plans for large-scale firings by March 13. His idea of governance? A nationwide audit forcing employees to justify their jobs or face the axe.
The reaction was swift and brutal—panic spread across Washington as bureaucrats scrambled to prove their worth before they were replaced by an algorithm. Federal unions started gearing up for a legal fight, and Musk began receiving death threats from inside the government workforce. Because nothing screams efficiency like your own employees wanting to eliminate you.
Meanwhile, Trump was thrilled. The only thing he loves more than firing people is watching someone else fire people for him.
TRUMP’S CABINET: A CORPORATE BOARDROOM MEETS A REALITY SHOW CAST
This wasn’t just Musk’s government restructuring party—Trump had assembled a cabinet that looked like a corporate boardroom if every member had made a blood pact to never question the boss.
Marco Rubio, Secretary of State, was now the official face of Trump’s foreign policy, a man who had once called Trump a con artist but had since transformed into his most eager defender.
Lee Zeldin, EPA Chief, had the unenviable task of overseeing massive environmental budget cuts. Initial reports suggested the agency was gutting 65% of its staff, before the administration walked it back, clarifying they were just cutting spending, not people. A relief, unless you happen to believe in clean air and water.
Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, wasted no time making waves. During the meeting, Trump encouraged him to fire every general involved in Biden’s Afghanistan withdrawal.
"I'm not going to tell this man what to do, but I will say that if I had his place, I'd fire every single one of them," Trump said. This wasn’t about strategy; it was about vengeance—Trump wanted a military that answered to him, no questions asked.
And while Musk had the spotlight, another appointment set off alarm bells across the medical community—Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Secretary of Health and Human Services. A man famous for his skepticism of vaccines and public health institutions was now running the government’s largest health agency. Doctors, scientists, and anyone who enjoys living past 50 were understandably concerned.
A TRADE WAR WITH EUROPE: BECAUSE WHY NOT?
As if a full-scale government restructuring wasn’t enough, Trump kicked off a trade war with the European Union by slapping a 25% tariff on EU imports. His reasoning? The EU had been “ripping off” the United States for years.
Never mind that economists were already warning of higher prices on everything from cars to cheese—Trump was on a mission to punish Europe for… existing. The White House spun it as a bold move to restore economic fairness, while business leaders quietly braced for impact.
UKRAINE: NO NATO, BUT MAYBE A BUSINESS DEAL
Trump’s foreign policy pivot was equally jarring. During the meeting, he made it clear that Ukraine’s NATO aspirations were dead. Instead, he teased an upcoming meeting with Zelenskyy, where a major minerals deal was expected. The goal? To recoup the costs of past military aid.
The message to Ukraine was clear: Don’t expect any blank checks. If you want continued U.S. support, it better come with economic returns. This wasn’t foreign policy—it was a shakedown disguised as diplomacy.
THE FRIDAY NIGHT MASS FIRING: INSPECTORS GENERAL GET THE AXE
To cap off a week of government upheaval, Trump’s team purged multiple inspectors general, clearing out some of the last remaining oversight officials across federal agencies. While not quite the 17-person firing spree some had speculated, it was a clear signal that Trump wanted as little internal scrutiny as possible.
Inspectors general exist to keep government honest, and in Trump’s world, that makes them dangerous.
WELCOME TO AMERICA, INC.
So there it was—the first cabinet meeting of Trump’s second term, and already, it was clear that this administration wasn’t interested in governing so much as running America like a hostile corporate takeover.
Elon Musk was turning the federal workforce into a startup-style cost-cutting experiment, Trump’s cabinet was stacked with loyalists, foreign policy had become a pay-to-play system, and government oversight was being wiped out faster than an inconvenient email chain.
The Trump-Musk era of governance had begun.
And the worst part?
It’s only February.
Great description of the surreal reality we now occupy.
To quote Paul Simon, "Breakdowns come and breakdowns go. What ya gonna do about it, that's what I want to know?" One can be outraged, or disgusted, or paralyzed. Or take any of dozens of actions to remain a viable human who shows up for other humans during this zombie apocalypse.
There are more of us than there are of them; the royals need their servants more than vice-versa.
What will you do to counter this evil, I ask myself. Every week I find one more small, possibly insignificant thing to do to show up. It keeps me sane, more or less.
Muskr*t didn’t even have a seat at the table, but he spoke longer than all except his boss. He said he made some mistakes, as if they were trifles. People don’t exist in his equations. That’s his MO.