Dear Dad,

A Letter from Your Accountability Partner (MOSTLY SATIRE)

Dear Dad,

I’ve known you my entire life. Or at least… I thought I did.

I thought I knew the man who grilled chicken in a tucked-in polo while quoting Leviticus. The man who thought VeggieTales counted as cinema. The man who once grounded me for saying “dang.” But then you made me your Accountability Partner™. You installed Covenant Eyes on your phone. You told the church, “My accountability partner is my son.” And just like that, you handed me the keys to the shame-mobile.

You made me your accountability partner three years ago when I was seventeen, Dad. Seventeen. I couldn’t vote. I couldn’t buy a beer. But I could receive real-time alerts about your spiritual browsing habits. What the hell kind of childhood is that?

Suddenly I was your digital conscience — watching, flagging, praying, and occasionally dry heaving.

I didn’t say anything when your Covenant Eyes reports started coming in weird. I didn’t judge the late-night Googling of “Christian modesty influencers with strong shoulders.” I let it slide when you hovered on that slideshow of Sarah Huckabee Sanders at the CPAC chili cook-off for a disturbingly long time. I kept my mouth shut.

Until this week. When you got on national television — as Speaker of the House — and said Gavin Newsom should be tarred and feathered.

So now? Now we need to talk. Because I’m your accountability partner, Dad. And this time, I’m submitting a report.

You said “tarred and feathered” like it was a folksy joke. Like some kind of rustic alternative to an ethics committee. But let me remind you: it’s not a metaphor.

It’s mob torture.

Boiling tar poured on a human being. Feathers dumped on raw, blistered flesh. Then the victim is paraded around town while people cheer and throw things. It’s cruelty for entertainment. It’s vigilante violence. It’s 1700s cosplay with a hate crime flourish.

And you — third in line to the presidency — said it with a chuckle. Like you were suggesting a pie to the face.

I’m sorry, Dad. Did we install a Bible or a medieval war manual on your phone?

This whole Covenant Eyes thing was supposed to be about staying “pure.” But instead, I’ve been sitting here watching you drift further into something I don’t even recognize.

You cheered Trump deploying Marines against civilians in Los Angeles. You defended a military crackdown while quoting Jesus. You co-sponsored a bill that slashes food assistance but pumps up the border budget like it's spring break for fascists. You said nothing while Trump joked about arresting political opponents. And now you're publicly calling for state-sponsored torture like it's a crowd-pleaser at a MAGA pep rally.

You always said porn was the great moral danger. But I’ve seen what really corrupts a man. It’s not what’s on the screen. It’s what happens when power convinces you that the rules only apply to other people.

And Dad — let’s not pretend your reports have been squeaky clean either. Since I’ve been getting the alerts every week, I know exactly where your search history wanders when the Holy Spirit falls asleep.

I saw the late-night Google deep dive: “Lauren Boebert tight dress church.” Then again the next night, just with “Lauren Boebert tasteful cleavage patriot gala.” I saw “modest Christian influencers with strong jawlines.” I saw you spend seventeen full minutes on an “AOC prayer breakfast” slideshow — captioned in Spanish — and don’t pretend that was about policy. And I still don’t know what to make of “Sarah Huckabee Sanders power stance photo collection,” but I had to unplug the router after that one.

You think Covenant Eyes didn’t catch that? It was blinking like a Pentecostal disco ball.

You call that walking in purity? Buddy, if a side profile of Elise Stefanik in a shawl gets your pulse racing and your prayer journal out, you don’t need an accountability app — you need confession, a cold shower, and a therapist who isn’t in your church small group.

So here it is — your real weekly report.

Your content’s been flagged for authoritarian leanings, public endorsement of mob violence, inappropriate blending of fascism and faith, and wildly inconsistent application of Jesus' teachings regarding mercy, compassion, and not being a goddamn sociopath.

Recommended actions include resigning, repenting, rereading literally any gospel, and maybe — just maybe — stop lusting after political power like it’s Lauren Southern in culottes.

Repeated violations may result in the Holy Spirit unsubscribing from your heart.

Dad, you told me to keep you accountable. You wanted to “walk in truth.” But you’re not walking anymore — you’re marching. And not toward righteousness. Toward the kind of strongman nonsense you used to preach against at youth group retreats with acoustic guitars and sugar-free lemonade.

You said we’re called to be “set apart.” Well congratulations. You’ve done it. You’ve set yourself apart from decency, accountability, and any shred of moral clarity or spiritual honesty.

So here’s your final alert.

I’m done.

I’m not your Accountability Partner anymore. Not because I don’t care — but because I’m exhausted. And because watching your soul collapse in HD every week isn’t spiritual growth. It’s emotional damage.

You need more than filtering software, Dad. You need an exorcism. And a mirror.

Jack Johnson
Your son.
Your (former) Covenant Eyes Accountability Partner.
The one who finally logged off.

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