Exciting News for Ted Cruz from Carnival Cruise Lines

SATIRE

Dear Senator Cruz,

Welcome aboard! After reviewing your travel history, your crisis management skills, and your uncanny ability to vanish the moment Texas needs you most, Carnival Cruise Lines is thrilled to announce you as the official spokesman for our new “Runaway Senator Package.”

Let’s face it, Ted. No one vacations quite like you. When Texans were freezing their asses off in the dark, you weren’t handing out blankets or leading relief. You were shuffling through George Bush Intercontinental Airport with a roller bag, fleeing to Cancún like a man allergic to responsibility. You blamed your daughters, of course, because what father doesn’t throw his own kids under the bus when the margaritas are calling? That’s not just cowardice, Senator — that’s brand synergy.

And you’ve doubled down beautifully in 2025. Floods ripped through Texas, killing over a hundred people, and there you were, soaking up the sun in Greece. That’s what we at Carnival call consistency. Other politicians pretend to care when their constituents die. Not you. You’re living proof that when the Lone Star goes dark, the only star you care about is the one stamped on your boarding pass.

That’s why we’re building a new luxury experience in your honor: The Cruz Class Cancún Escape. Passengers will enjoy first-class excuses, unlimited margaritas, and complimentary Wi-Fi strong enough to issue a half-hearted Twitter apology from 3,000 miles away. Our slogan? “Carnival: Because when your state is underwater, you should be too.”

We’ve even designed a commemorative itinerary. Day 1: Abandon your constituents. Day 2: Blame your family. Day 3: Pose for selfies with the very man who called your wife ugly and accused your father of killing JFK. Day 4: Return to Texas pretending nothing happened. Repeat annually.

You’re perfect for this campaign, Senator, because Carnival isn’t about honor, duty, or public service. It’s about cheap drinks, bad decisions, and sunburned Americans running from their problems. And that, Ted, is your life’s work.

So welcome aboard, Captain Cancún. The lido deck awaits.

Sincerely,
Carnival Cruise Lines Marketing Team
(with script editing from Closer to the Edge — because someone had to add sunscreen to the hypocrisy)

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