IN DEFENSE OF DERRICK VAN ORDEN: TRUMP’S TOTALLY INDEPENDENT NON-BITCH

Jul 03, 2025

Let’s get something straight: Derrick Van Orden is not Donald Trump’s bitch. He said so himself. Loudly. To reporters. With a microphone and everything. And when has a man shouting “I’m not someone’s bitch” ever been compensating for anything? Exactly. Case closed.

Now, sure, he did vote for Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill—the same bill that Trump demanded, threatened, and foamed about like a toddler hopped up on Diet Coke and authoritarian fantasies. And yes, Van Orden voted yes on the procedural rule to advance that bill, despite it being packed with Medicaid cuts, tax breaks for billionaires, and enough fine print to choke a C-SPAN intern.

But that doesn’t prove anything.

Just because he publicly declared his independence and then immediately did the exact thing Trump wanted… doesn’t mean he’s a bitch. That’s coincidence. Timing. Purely symbolic obedience.

And what about the other evidence? The angry rants at library workers for LGBTQ displays? The airport gun incident? The January 6th rally attendance? His impeccable record of voting with Trump’s agenda while lobbing patriotic soundbites like a contestant on America’s Next Top Bootlicker? None of that suggests he’s Trump’s bitch. It just means he’s principled. His principles just happen to look a lot like Trump’s talking points wearing camouflage.

In fact, Van Orden is so independent that he chairs a subcommittee Trump would absolutely love—Economic Opportunity—which, under this bill, means gutting rural hospitals and calling it “freedom.” He’s so committed to being his own man that he co-sponsored legislation to hand even more unchecked power to the executive branch, as long as the executive in question is orange and rage-filled.

We should applaud that kind of backbone. Not everyone can stand up in front of the press, declare they're nobody’s bitch, and then obediently fetch the slippers and vote to slash their own district’s Medicaid access all in one afternoon. That takes talent.

So let’s give Derrick Van Orden the credit he deserves. He’s not a bitch. He’s just a guy who says one thing and does another, repeatedly, loudly, and proudly. That’s not submissive—that’s leadership, 2025-style.

God bless America. And God help Wisconsin.

Derrick Van Orden insists he’s not Donald Trump’s bitch — but his voting record, public meltdowns, and blind loyalty suggest otherwise. We’re not here to name-call… just to lay out the evidence and let you decide whether walking like a bitch, barking like a bitch, and voting like a bitch makes you one.