KEEP CALM AND COVER YOUR EYES, MR. SPEAKER

At Closer to the Edge, we oppose violence, but that doesn’t mean we don’t scare the crap out of certain people on a daily basis.

For example —

The Speaker of the House.

Mike Johnson recently took to a podium and declared, without irony, that a few hundred naked bicyclists in Portland represented “the most threatening” anti-ICE protest he had ever seen. He wasn’t joking. He wasn’t hallucinating (as far as we know). He was dead serious—delivering this warning like a man who’d just survived an ambush by unarmed dermatologists.

To him, the human body is a weapon of mass discomfort. A knee, a nipple, an ankle—each one a tactical threat to the republic. It’s unclear what he fears most: the radical left or SPF 50.

So, in the spirit of compassion and good civic hygiene, Closer to the Edge would like to offer Speaker Johnson some coping mechanisms to help him through this difficult time.

1. Guided Exposure Therapy (GENTLY NOW, MIKEY)

Start small, Mikey. Take a walk through an art museum. Maybe start with a nice Renaissance painting—something with cherubs. They’re naked, but they’re tiny and religious, which should make it easier. Work your way up to Degas, then Rodin. Someday, if you’re brave, you can even handle the “Birth of Venus.” But no rush. Healing is a journey.

2. Emergency Comfort Kit

Inside: a silk blindfold, a Bible with all the naked statues taped over, a stress ball shaped like Ronald Reagan, and a lavender-scented candle labeled “Modesty.” Anytime the Speaker sees a hipbone in the wild, he can clutch the Reagan ball and whisper: “Law and order.”

3. Support Animals for the Easily Startled

We recommend a small emotional-support hamster named Prudence. Keep her nearby whenever you hear the word “Portland.” If you start sweating, pet the hamster and repeat your mantra: “They’re just humans, not Antifa angels of lust.”

4. The Buddy System

Every time Mike watches the news, he should have a responsible adult in the room to remind him that nudity is not terrorism. Maybe Lindsey Graham could help—he seems unflappable.

5. Cognitive Reframing Exercise

When you feel fear rising, Mikey, try to replace the image of the naked bicyclist with something safe, like a tax form, or a picture of yourself signing a meaningless resolution about “traditional values.”

6. Graded Exposure to Reality

If it’s too soon for human nudity, we suggest starting with cats. They’re naked and unashamed. If you can tolerate a cat cleaning itself without calling Homeland Security, that’s progress.

We understand this must be traumatic for the Speaker. He’s spent his career surrounded by stiff suits and even stiffer ideologues. To suddenly confront joy, freedom, and bare humanity on bicycles—it’s a lot.

But perhaps this is what he truly fears: a country too comfortable with its own skin. People who can laugh while protesting. Citizens who choose humor over hatred. Because fascism thrives on fear, and nothing terrifies it more than laughter, sunlight, and a little unapologetic humanity.

So, yes—let’s protect Mikey. Let’s send him chamomile tea, a gentle playlist called “Songs for When Democracy Gets Too Naked,” and a sturdy pair of emotional training wheels. We can’t promise he’ll recover, but at least we’ll know we tried.

And next time he looks out at the streets of America and sees a few unclothed riders gliding past a federal building, maybe—just maybe—he’ll understand that freedom sometimes looks ridiculous, and that’s exactly what makes it beautiful.

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