🏈 LET’S TALK FOOTBALL

A LETTER TO ROGER GOODELL

To: Roger S. Goodell
Commissioner, NFL
345 Park Avenue, New York, NY

Subject: Trump Stadium, Brand Management, and the Future of Footballl

Dear Roger,

First, I’d like to commend you for your composure. Most people, when told the President of the United States wants his own stadium, would pour bourbon into their cereal and start screaming at clouds. But not you. You just smiled, put on your league-issue diplomatic face, and said, “We’ll look into that.”

That’s leadership, Roger.

And so here we are: Trump Stadium — soon to rise like a golden hemorrhoid on the ruins of RFK. Naturally, the President wants the team name changed back to the original racial slur, because he’s practically perfected the science of branding bigotry.

Luckily, I’m here to help. I offer you a compromise.

Call them The Washington Orange Skins.

It honors tradition, satisfies the spray-tan constituency. It’s the perfect bipartisan solution if you really stop to consider it.

THE FUTURE OF FOOTBALL

I’ve also prepared a short list of 15 modest rule changes to keep the league relevant, profitable, and functionally totalitarian once the Orange Skins take to the field:

1. INSTANT REPLAY REFORM
All reviews now handled by the Replay Discernment Appeals Court — a hand-picked judicial body empowered to rule that an incomplete pass or missed field goal was “close enough” to count. Instant justice, infinite loyalty.

2. CHALLENGE FLAGS
Challenge flags will be replaced with Trump-gilded Bibles and must be hurled toward midfield accompanied by shouting the phrase “It’s rigged!”

3. COIN TOSS MODERNIZATION
The pre-game coin toss is replaced by an auction. Highest campaign donor wins the ball, the half, and an ambassadorship to Aruba.

4. HELMET FREEDOM ACT
Helmets are hereby optional. True patriots play bare-headed. Concussions are no longer injuries; they’re Patriotic Head Surges™.

5. CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES DEREGULATION INITIATIVE
Drug use is not only permitted, but encouraged. Steroids, Viagra, Ketamine, Ayahuasca — whatever keeps the veins bulging. Imagine the sponsorship opportunities.

6. REFEREE LOYALTY OATH
Before each game, referees must swear allegiance on a stack of campaign posters. Any whistle blown against the Orange Skins triggers an IRS audit.

7. OVERTIME SIMPLIFICATION
If the Orange Skins are losing, the game automatically enters Executive Time. It ends when the President declares victory on Truth Social.

8. UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT
Now classified as Patriotic Passion. Fines apply only for compassion, literacy, or kneeling.

9. FORWARD PROGRESS INITIATIVE
All Orange Skin drives begin on the opponent’s 35-yard line. The defense may file an appeal for “hurt feelings.”

10. MEDIA TRANSPARENCY PROTOCOL
Sideline reporters must clear all adjectives with the Department of Narrative Security. “Fumble” becomes “Freedom Adjustment.”

11. NATIONAL ANTHEM OPTIMIZATION
A 12-minute mashup of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Lee Greenwood. Fans must salute both flags — the American and the campaign one — until medically advised to stop.

12. HALFTIME RE-EDUCATION SEGMENT
Each show reenacts the 2020 election, corrected for accuracy. Fireworks courtesy of Lockheed Martin. Dancers pre-cleared by Homeland Security.

13. FAN CONDUCT CODE
Booing = treason. Applause = mandatory. Kneeling = permitted only to retrieve nachos.

14. MASCOT MODERNIZATION
Commander Cheeto, a 7-foot anthropomorphic Cheeto, will circle the field in a golf cart shouting “We’re winning so much!”

15. CHAMPIONSHIP DETERMINATION & TROPHY REBRANDING
The Orange Skins win the Super Bowl every year, regardless of record. Parade route begins and ends at the White House bunker.
The Lombardi Trophy is hereby replaced by the Trump Eternal Victory Chalice, forged from recycled subpoenas and spray-painted optimism.

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Roger, I know what you’re thinking: This is insane.

And you’re right.

But look around — insanity is policy now.

If you play your cards right, Trump Stadium can become the first sports arena with its own military budget, prayer circle, and cryptocurrency. Hell, the guy might even throw in a casino wing and call it “faith-based revenue.”

The Orange Skins will be the greatest show on Earth — half football, half autocracy, all merch.

So let’s do it. Compromise is key. You give him the name on the building, we give the world the joke of the century.

God bless football. God help America.

Respectfully and irreverently,

Rook T. Winchester
Editor-in-Chief, Closer to the Edge
Deputy Commissioner for Satire, Truth, and Enhanced Performance Ethics

cc:
ESPN (the propaganda wing)
Kid Rock (unfortunately)

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