NIKE’s Official Offer to Senator Josh Hawley

SATIRE

Dear Senator Hawley,

Congratulations. You are officially the first U.S. Senator to be scouted for an athletic endorsement not because of your courage, your integrity, or your stamina — but because of your once-in-a-lifetime ability to sprint away from your own convictions faster than anyone in modern politics. We at NIKE watched your highlight reel from January 6th, 2021, and frankly, we’re still laughing. The raised fist was a masterpiece of performance art — a little clenched symbol of faux-revolutionary swagger, like a frat boy cosplaying as Che Guevara on pledge night. But the real magic came seconds later, when you saw the mob you’d just egged on and took off running like Wile E. Coyote realizing he’d just stepped off the cliff. That wasn’t politics, Josh. That was pure athletics.

That’s why we’re offering you your own signature shoe: The Hawley 6s. Engineered for men who want to salute insurrectionists one minute and vanish into the nearest stairwell the next. Designed for sudden pivots, dramatic retreats, and historic moments of televised cowardice. They come in two colors, Raised Fist Black and Run-Like-Hell White, and feature special backpedal technology so you can reverse yourself on Medicaid, minimum wage, and stock trading reform all in the same week without breaking an ankle. Forget Air Jordans. This is Air Cowardice.

We’ve already scripted the campaign commercial. Picture it: a lone Senator jogging through the Capitol halls in slow motion, tie flapping, eyes wide with terror. A voiceover intones: “Some stand for democracy. Some fight for freedom. And some… just run. The Hawley 6s. Just Do It. Unless it’s scary.”

And Josh, don’t think this is just about one glorious day in 2021. We’ve been watching you in 2025 too, and you haven’t lost a step. One day you warn Republicans that cutting Medicaid is morally wrong, the next you’re back in line pretending you didn’t say it. One day you’re suddenly in favor of raising the minimum wage, after years of stomping it down, and the next you’re wringing your hands about inflation like an actuary with a head cold. One week you’re Mr. Ban Insider Trading, the lone Republican in the spotlight, and the next week Trump calls you a pawn and you scamper back into your hole like a wet hamster. That isn’t leadership, Senator. That’s interval training for cowards.

So yes, we’re proud to have you on board. You are the living embodiment of the swoosh: all curve, no backbone. You’ll get the photoshoot, you’ll get the campaign rollout, and you’ll get the glory of being remembered not for your speeches, not for your votes, but for the run. The run that defined you. The run that history will play on loop long after your Senate seat is gone.

We’re NIKE. You’re Josh Hawley. Together, we’ll make cowardice go mainstream.

Sincerely,
NIKE Marketing Division
(ghostwritten by Closer to the Edge, because somebody has to keep track of which direction you’re running this week)

---

This is satire — no, Josh Hawley doesn’t have a NIKE contract, and yes, we’ll lose our marbles if we have to explain that twice. But we’d rather keep those marbles where they belong, not scattered across the Capitol floor slowing Josh down mid-sprint. If you want to help us keep mocking cowardice with sharp, relentless humor, subscribe today.