"NO FEMA FOR YOU."

75% SATIRE

AUTHOR'S NOTE: What follows is part reality, part satire — and the line between the two is disturbingly thin. On August 4, 2025, the Trump administration really did announce that states and cities must certify they won’t boycott Israeli companies to receive FEMA disaster‑preparedness funding. That’s the real part. The rest — Trump announcing a new rule to strip FEMA aid from any state with even one legislator voting to release the unredacted Epstein files — is entirely fictional. But as with so much in American politics, it’s not hard to imagine how quickly the absurd could become policy:

(Marine One rotors thump, camera shutters click, his tie slaps against his jacket like it’s trying to escape)

TRUMP:
“Alright, so FEMA — and everybody’s talking about this, they’re calling it the greatest FEMA, the strongest FEMA, maybe in world history — we made a rule, a beautiful rule, that says if your state, or your little city, doesn’t want to do business with Israel — the wonderful people of Israel, who love me by the way, they named a settlement after me, the best settlement, very classy — if you don’t want to do business, you don’t get FEMA money. And FEMA loves it. I’m told it’s saving them hundreds of percent. Seven hundred percent! Which nobody thought was possible. People said, ‘Sir, that’s more than one hundred.’ I said, ‘I know, that’s why it’s good.’

We’re stopping waste, we’re stopping the haters, we’re stopping the boycotters — who are very bad, very anti‑Trump, very anti‑America — and we’re saying, ‘You want help after a hurricane? You better like Israel.’ Very simple.

And now, folks — and you’re the first to hear this, very exclusive, the fake news will go crazy — we’re adding the Epstein thing. Tremendous idea, came from me. If a state has even one — not two, not three, one — legislator who votes to release the full Epstein files, no FEMA. Zero. Nothing. You get a flood? You get a fire? Too bad. Build an ark, call Noah, I don’t care.

Why? Because we can’t have disloyalty. You don’t cut open my personal… files — which are boring, by the way, very boring files — and then come crying for storm windows. Doesn’t work that way. You mess with Trump, your sandbags come from somewhere else.

And FEMA — I talked to them, they love it — they said, ‘Sir, this is genius, we’re gonna save another 700% on top of the 700% we already saved.’ That’s like… I don’t know, a thousand percent, maybe more. It’s beautiful math. Everyone’s saying it. The accountants are crying, they’ve never seen numbers like this.

So between the Israel thing, which is real and tremendous, and the Epstein thing, which is totally fair and smart, we’re gonna have the richest, safest FEMA in the history of FEMA. Hurricanes will think twice. Tornadoes will pack it up. Fires? Gone. Because FEMA will be respected again. Respected like never before. Any questions?”

NEW YORK TIMES REPORTER:
Mr. President, how do you reconcile FEMA’s mission with punitive funding cuts based on unrelated political votes?

TRUMP:
“Wow. That’s a very nasty question from somebody who probably failed math and maybe gym class, too. FEMA’s mission is to help good people, not bad people who vote for bad things like Epstein releases and Israel boycotts. It’s totally related. It’s called cause and effect — you cause problems for Trump, you get effects like no FEMA money. That’s leadership. They teach that at the best schools, which you obviously didn’t go to.”

CNN REPORTER:
Sir, what message do you think this sends to Americans about the role of federal aid?

TRUMP:
“You know, that’s a stupid question, and I’m sorry to say it, but it’s stupid. The message is: don’t be dumb. Don’t elect idiots who hate Israel and love fake files. Very easy. We’re sending that message loud and clear, 700% louder than any president ever sent a message before. The aid will be beautiful, the aid will be perfect, but only for the smart states — not for people like you, who write dumb things nobody reads.”

A REPORTER FROM MSNBC:
Is there a risk this will politicize FEMA in a way that undermines trust during emergencies?

TRUMP:
“You must be new here, because you don’t understand FEMA. FEMA has never been more trusted than under Trump. People come up to me, real people — not fake media people like you — and they say, ‘Sir, I trust you more than my smoke alarm.’ That’s trust. The only people who don’t trust FEMA are the ones who want to hurt Trump, and frankly, you look like one of them. Very untrustworthy face. Probably from a bad family.”

CBS REPORTER:
What about the legal precedent this could set for future administrations to cut aid over political disagreements?

TRUMP:
“Oh, here we go. You look like a lawyer, and that’s not a compliment. Legal precedent is a beautiful thing — when I do it. When other people do it, it’s terrible. But I do it right. And this is the right precedent: loyalty gets rewarded, disloyalty gets you wet in a flood. That’s how the Founding Fathers wanted it. People forget, they had floods back then too, maybe worse than today. No FEMA. No sandbags. I’m giving people options they never had, but you don’t understand that because you’re biased.”

ABC REPORTER:
Sir, will you consider an appeals process for states affected by these funding restrictions?

TRUMP:
“You’re very arrogant to think we need an appeals process. We don’t need it. My process is perfect. I hear something, I make a decision, it’s the right decision. If they don’t like it, they can appeal to God, maybe to Netanyahu, maybe to me in a few years if they behave. But with you asking questions like that, you’d never get FEMA money. If you were a state, you’d be underwater already, and frankly, you’d deserve it.

Okay, I have to go, the helicopter’s waiting, it’s American, not from Little Saint James — totally my helicopter. Beautiful helicopter. Thank you!”

(Trump waves, turns the wrong direction, is gently spun toward the stairs by an aide, boards Marine One as reporters shout questions about math and morality.))

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If you laughed at the fake FEMA–Epstein tarmac gaggle and then remembered the Israel part is actually real, that’s why Closer to the Edge exists — to show how quickly the ridiculous becomes policy, how the absurd bleeds into your life, your rights, and your disaster relief. We strip away the polished press releases and let you see the mess as it is, with sharp satire, unflinching mockery, and zero allegiance to the powerful. Subscribe today, and you’re helping make sure the people writing these rules don’t get the last laugh.