REMOVE MY DISABILITY

A SATIRICAL PLEA FROM THE 47TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

Mike,

We have a very unfair situation happening. Very. The Constitution is doing things it’s not supposed to do, and frankly nobody asked it to. I’ve been very patient, but this Section 3 thing is out of control, and people are talking about it, and I don’t like it, and you shouldn’t either.

They’re saying I’m “disabled.” Nobody’s ever said that about me. I took the test. Perfect. Doctors couldn’t believe it. Disability is what happens to losers. I have rallies. I have crowds. I have hats. Lots of hats. Tremendous hats. You don’t get hats if you’re disabled.

They say Section 3 says you can’t hold office if you did an insurrection or gave aid or comfort. Very nasty language. “Insurrection.” Sounds foreign. January 6 was not an insurrection. It was a beautiful, very patriotic event. A lot of love. People smiling. Some chanting. Some gallows. Totally normal tourist stuff. Happens all the time. The media made it ugly because they hate me.

And I did NOT give aid or comfort. I only said I loved them. I only praised them. I only defended them constantly. I only called them patriots, hostages, very special people. I only promised them pardons. That’s not aid or comfort. That’s leadership. Big difference. Huge.

And speaking of pardons, very important, let me remind you that I issued a mass pardon to ALL the January 6 people. All of them. Every single one. Which proves nothing wrong happened. Because if something wrong happened, I wouldn’t pardon them. Why would I pardon people who did something wrong unless I thought it was right? Exactly. Case closed.

They’re saying the pardon itself is “aid or comfort.” Ridiculous. Pardons don’t help people. They just erase consequences, reward loyalty, validate behavior, and tell everyone you did the right thing. That’s not comfort. That’s clarity. The Constitution doesn’t like clarity. Very outdated document.

The pardon was about healing. Very healing. Healing that tells future people, if you do this again for me, I’ve got you. That’s unity. The Fourteenth Amendment doesn’t say anything about healing, which tells you it was written by very angry people who didn’t understand branding.

Now they say Section 3 is “self-executing.” Can you believe that? The Constitution just does things by itself now. No vote. No meeting. No Mike Johnson. Very disrespectful to Congress. Very disrespectful to me. If something important is happening in America, I should be involved. At least consulted. Probably thanked.

I only like automatic things when they help me. Automatic machines. Automatic ballot access. Automatic praise. Automatic disqualification is a scam. If the Constitution wanted to stop me, it should’ve asked nicely, waited a few years, and then maybe gone through my lawyers forever.

Yes, I swore an oath to support the Constitution. Everyone does that. It’s symbolic. Like when you click “I agree” on the phone. Nobody reads it. Nobody follows it. If oaths were real, Washington would shut down. Chaos. Total chaos. Nobody wants that.

They keep saying Section 3 was written after the Civil War for Confederates. I’m not a Confederate. I just like their flags. Their monuments. Their talking points. Their election complaints. Their energy. Very strong base. But totally different. Modern. Updated. Rebranded.

They say the disability exists even if nobody enforces it. I don’t agree. In my America, nothing exists unless important people say it does. If NEWSMAX doesn’t say it, it’s not real. If Congress doesn’t say it, it’s fake. The Constitution should not be freelancing. Very dangerous precedent.

Also, apparently you don’t even need a criminal conviction for Section 3. That’s crazy. Everything needs a conviction except crimes, elections, and overthrowing democracy. If we start enforcing consequences without convictions, powerful people could get nervous. Very bad. Markets hate nervous powerful people.

And I won. Very big win. Winning erases everything. Everybody knows that. Once you win, everything before becomes fake news. If elections don’t clean you, what’s the point? That’s basic constitutional math. Ask anyone.

They also say “shall not hold office.” But I am holding office. So it doesn’t apply. The Constitution missed its window. Timing is everything. You can’t stop someone after they’ve already done the thing. That’s on the document. Poor planning.

But the biggest problem, Mike, the real problem, is this: if they admit I’m disabled, that means the Constitution worked. Exactly as written. Exactly as intended. And that’s very bad. Because if it works on me, it might work on someone else someday. And that would be a disaster for the party. For the brand. For ambition.

So we need to fix it. You need to fix it. Quietly if possible. Bring a bill to the floor to remove any such disability. Call it unity. Call it healing. Say the Founders wouldn’t want this, even though the people who wrote this amendment absolutely wanted exactly this. Nobody will check. They never do.

Fix the Constitution, Mike. It’s being very rude.

Donald J. Trump

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This isn’t satire for laughs. It’s satire as evidence. Every “argument” Trump might make to erase his Fourteenth Amendment disability is already hiding in plain sight, scattered across speeches, pardons, and grievance rants. We just stitched them together and let them talk long enough to indict themselves.

If you’re tired of pundits hedging, lawyers whispering, and institutions pretending the Constitution needs permission to function, this is your place. Closer to the Edge exists to write what everyone else is afraid to print, to connect the dots while they’re still pretending the dots don’t exist, and to document the exact moment when accountability was treated as optional.

Subscribe if you want a record of who asked the Constitution to sit down and shut up.

History is happening loudly. We’re writing it in real time.