THE 86ED: 280,000 AMERICANS TAKEN OUT IN RESTAURANTS LAST YEAR — AND MOST OF THEM WERE MAGA

An article by Donald Trump Jr. (SATIRE)

This might be the most important thing I’ve ever written — and yes, I include that time I live-tweeted my elk jerky cleanse from a Bass Pro Shop sauna.

I stayed up all of last night —searching the internet to understand how taking too much cocaine can affect a person'sbrain — when I came across a startling statistic:

280,000 Americans were 86ed last year in restaurants.

Let me say that again for the deep-fried traitors in the back:

TWO HUNDRED EIGHTY THOUSAND!

They were silenced mid-sentence.
Cut off during Chicken Crispers.
Removed without warning — sometimes before the check arrived.

And while not every single one of them was MAGA… the vast, overwhelming majority were.

Coincidence? Please.

You don’t “randomly” 86 a guy in a “Trumpinator 2024” hoodie just because he spilled half a pitcher of Bud Light on a server while shouting about the gold standard.

You don’t “accidentally” remove a mom in a Let’s Go Brandon tank top for asking if the ketchup was woke.

This was a pattern. This was an operation. This was a culling.

These were real Americans. Salt-of-the-earth patriots who once cried during Toby Keith songs and now lie cold in the memory of forgotten chain restaurants. They were booted from Cracker Barrel, exiled from Waffle House, and purged from the very booths that once held the backbone of this country.

Their only crime? Loving freedom too loudly.

I met one survivor. He whispered through tears, “They took my uncle at a Red Robin for saying Fauci should be tried for seasoning crimes.”

That man now lives in a Bass Pro tent behind a Chili’s.

This is the future they want.

So I’m stepping up.

I’m launching the 86ED VICTIMS RELIEF FUND.

This will:

• Honor the 280,000 with a nationwide tour of grief rallies in Buffalo Wild Wings parking lots

• Commission a 60-foot monument made entirely of discarded MAGA hats and onion ring baskets

• Offer pre-grief counseling to anyone who plans to wear stars-and-stripes shorts to a restaurant in 2025

For $86, you’ll receive a limited edition T-shirt:

“I Was Almost 86ed at Olive Garden and All I Got Was This Constitutional Crisis”

For $8,600, you’ll get an invite to a private dinner with me, the ghost of Herman Cain (who used to own Godfather’s Pizza), and whatever influencers I can lure with free jalapeño poppers.

This isn’t a joke.

This isn’t performance art.

This is what they don’t want you to see:

MAGA Americans being quietly disappeared during Happy Hour.

And I won’t stop snorting truth until every booth is safe again.

— Donald Trump Jr.

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Editor’s Note:

There is no evidence that anyone was murdered in a restaurant for supporting Donald Trump. There is no fund. There is no 60-foot hat monument. But we are absolutely keeping this article up, because it’s the most honest thing Donald Trump Jr. has never written.