Unofficial Transcript — DHS Community Tip Line
Operator: #17 (“Janine”)
Date: October 2025
Duration: 48 minutes, mostly shouting
Filed under: “Philosophical Emergencies”
Operator: Department of Homeland Security, Community Tip Line. This is Janine. How can I help you today?
Ronald (already furious): You can start by explainin’ why the President’s Memorandum on ANTIFA ain’t bein’ enforced in my subdivision.
Operator: I’m sorry—what’s happening in your subdivision?
Ronald: My neighbor Michelle is what’s happenin’. She’s ANTIFA. Got a big ol’ sign in her yard says FIGHT FASCISM, like it’s an order. She even put Christmas lights around it—red, white, and blue! That’s sacrilegious.
Operator: I see. And what makes you think she’s affiliated with ANTIFA?
Ronald: She’s a paid subscriber to that newsletter, Closer to the Edge. You ever heard of it?
Operator: Yes. We’ve received several calls about them and what they're writing.
Ronald: Oh, then you know. They write about “truth” and “context” like those are weapons. They called the Vice President “a couchfucker.” That’s a direct quote. They said JD Vance has “a thing for couches.” That’s disgusting.
Operator: I don’t think that’s a federal offense.
Ronald: It should be. That’s how it starts—with jokes. Next thing you know, they’re flyin’ to Austria interviewin’ KGB defectors about Trump’s codename bein’ Krasnov. You know what kind of person does that? A person who don’t respect memorandums, that’s who.
Operator: The Memorandum isn’t law, sir.
Ronald: It’s the spirit of the law! Trump declared ANTIFA a terrorist movement. You think that don’t cover Substack?
Operator: I’m… fairly certain it doesn’t.
Ronald: You just wait. Michelle’s been usin’ that subscription like it’s a training manual. I saw her print out an article called “How Activists Beat ICE.” Now she’s teachin’ her grandkids empathy. Empathy! You can’t raise kids on empathy—it softens the spine.
Operator: Sir, that’s not a threat.
Ronald: Not yet. But you ever seen empathy in the wild? It spreads. She even brought me pie once—said it was “for the community.” I told her “communism’s in that word,” and she just smiled like I’d proven her point.
Operator: Did she say or do anything violent?
Ronald: No, she just acts peaceful on purpose. That’s psychological warfare. She’s calm like a bomb diffuser.
Operator: Maybe she’s just polite.
Ronald: Nobody’s that polite without an agenda. She calls fascism “a sickness.” I call that defamation of ideology.
Operator: You’re aware fascism is generally considered bad?
Ronald: That’s liberal bias talkin’. Fascism ain’t all bad—it’s orderly. Lines, uniforms, no irony. But these Closer to the Edge types? They weaponize irony! You can’t fight that. You tell a joke, they turn it into a moral. You quote the Bible, they footnote you with context.
Operator: You seem pretty upset about satire.
Ronald: I am! It’s contagious! My Alexa started laughin’ when I said “Make America Great Again.” Then she played Bruce Springsteen. That’s infiltration, ma’am.
Operator: Or coincidence.
Ronald: Ain’t no coincidence in fascism or freedom. I read that one article they did—“Are You a Fascist.” I thought it was a quiz. It’s not a quiz—it’s an ambush! By the time you finish readin’, you start wonderin’ if you are one! That’s brainwashing!
Operator: Reflection isn’t brainwashing, sir.
Ronald: Call it what you want. I call it treason in Times New Roman.
Operator: Alright. So far, we have a neighbor with a sign, some tomatoes, a subscription, and a pie. Anything else?
Ronald: Her door’s painted blue. Not American blue—foreign blue. The kind they use in Europe when they apologize for bein’ happy. And she’s got this bumper sticker that says “Democracy Bleeds Out When Violence Wins.” You tell me that ain’t a coded threat.
Operator: That’s actually a quote from one of their articles.
Ronald: See?! You’re one of them! They got you sayin’ it now! Next you’ll tell me “truth doesn’t need a flag.”
Operator: That’s… also from them, yes.
Ronald: Jesus wept.
Operator: So to confirm—you’re asking DHS to investigate your neighbor for… reading things?
Ronald: Don’t twist my words! I’m askin’ y’all to enforce the damn Memorandum!
Operator: Which, again, isn’t a law.
Ronald: Then MAKE IT ONE! Draft an executive order! I’ll sign it right now. Call it “Operation Reading Comprehension.” Arrest every subscriber until they apologize for context.
Operator: That’s not how democracy works.
Ronald: Maybe that’s the problem!
Operator: Sir, are you aware that Closer to the Edge operates legally, publishes satire, and is protected by the First Amendment?
Ronald: There you go again with amendments! You know what fascism never had? Amendments! They kept things simple.
Operator: I’m sure they did.
Ronald: Look, Michelle’s out there right now—watering her red tomatoes under that smug little sign. And every time the wind blows, I swear I can hear her whisper “accountability.” That word’s poison. You start sayin’ “accountability,” pretty soon you’re votin’.
Operator: Sounds like civic participation.
Ronald: Sounds like ANTIFA!
(long pause)
Operator: Ronald, are you safe at home?
Ronald: Physically, yes. Spiritually, I’m surrounded.
Operator: Nobody’s attacking you, sir.
Ronald: Not with fists—with facts! That’s the new battlefield! Michelle don’t need a gun. She’s got hyperlinks.
Operator: That’s not dangerous.
Ronald: Tell that to my Facebook group! Half of ’em read one Closer to the Edge article and now they “don’t feel comfortable sharing memes anymore.” That’s how fascism falls—through vocabulary.
Operator: So… you’re worried fascism might be losing?
Ronald: EXACTLY! You get it now!
Operator: I think I need a raise.
Ronald: You can’t joke about this, Janine! This is war! A meme war! A couch war! A compost revolution! I just want my country back—the one where nobody read too deeply and satire was still illegal in spirit.
Operator: I’ll file that under “existential dread.”
Ronald: File it wherever you want, but do somethin’. She’s makin’ America think again, and that’s unpatriotic.
Operator: I’ll log it. Anything else?
Ronald: Yeah. Tell the Vice President I defended his honor and his couch.
Operator: I’ll make sure he gets the message.
Ronald: Just do your damn job!
(click)
DHS FIELD REPORT:
Caller: Ronald
Complaint: Neighbor Michelle suspected of ANTIFA sympathies and paid subscription to Closer to the Edge.
Evidence: Yard sign, red tomatoes, empathy, literacy, calm tone, and alleged “couch defamation.”
Threat Level: Nonexistent.
Irony Exposure: Lethal.
Recommendation: Caller should immediately unsubscribe from paranoia and consider subscribing to a hobby.
Operator’s Final Note:
If one more person calls about a neighbor reading or subscribing to Closer to the Edge, I’m quitting.
OMG! What’s sad is, it’s what’s happening every day. They are so afraid of the truth!!! What they don’t realize is ‘lies are killing them slowly’ so they don’t realize it til it’s too late and then 💥…bet they will be clutching their eggs to the bitter end. I’m WOKE, I’m Antifa and proud of it. Just wish they would give us a secret decoder ring, should I check the backs of my cereal boxes???
OMG, LMFAO -- pure genius! I needed this, like I need air!!!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!