THE CALL WE’RE ALL DREADING

(SATIRE)

The world braces for a conversation between two men who never should’ve had nuclear codes or social media.

On Monday morning, May 19th, 2025, Donald J. Trump is scheduled to call Vladimir Putin.

The same man who once called Putin a “genius” for invading Ukraine will now attempt to end that war with a phone call — the diplomatic equivalent of trying to fix a house fire by yelling at it from the driveway.

The Kremlin has confirmed the call. The White House has confirmed the call. NATO has stocked up on aspirin.

And somewhere in the background, Closer to the Edge has been living rent-free in both their heads.

So in the spirit of journalistic irresponsibility and national catharsis — we present the unauthorized, fully satirical transcript of Monday’s phone call between Trump and Putin.

---

SATIRICAL WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPT

Operator: Connecting you now, Mr. President.

Trump: Vlad! Vlad! Okay, listen. We have a problem. A big problem. Huge.

Putin: (sipping tea) You always have a problem.

Trump: No, this one’s real. There’s this group — some scrappy little, uh, fake news, rogue journalism hippie blog — called Closer to the Something.

Putin: Closer to the Edge. I know.

Trump: (paranoid) YOU KNOW?!

Putin: I read it. Entertaining. The writing is sharp. I like the metaphors.

Trump: (ranting) They’re NOT supposed to be sharp! They're supposed to be nobodies! And they corrected Snopes, Vlad. SNOPES! The fact-checking Vatican! Who does that?!

Putin: Apparently... them.

Trump: They're digging, okay? Digging into Krasnov. The K-word. I told you I didn’t want to be that anymore. I’m tired, Vlad. I want to be me again. I want to eat KFC and yell at Mike Johnson without worrying about my codename being plastered all over Vienna!

Putin: (calmly) But you are Krasnov. That’s not something you resign from. It's not a gym membership.

Trump: Well maybe I SHOULD HAVE READ THE FINE PRINT! You think I knew there’d be books?! They're writing a book now. They’re in Austria, looking for Mussayev.

Putin: You should focus on what matters. Have you scheduled the Canada invasion?

Trump: Sigh. I’ve got Rubio writing a speech. I said “make it sound strong,” and he sent me a draft that ends with “Eh.” Like “We invade with peace, eh?”

Putin: (bored) Weak.

Trump: Also — we need to talk about that hockey game?

Putin: Yes. It’s on the agenda.

Trump: Can I NOT go to Moscow? Can we do like, Florida? A neutral site. Mar-a-Lago. We’ll call it Diplomacy on Ice. I’ll rent out a rink. I’ve got a guy.

Putin: There is no ice in Florida.

Trump: (angrily) There is no freedom in this job either, Vlad! I’m just a brand now. A trademark with state secrets.

Putin: Good. Own it. Be the brand. Be Krasnov.

Trump: (defeated) I just wanted to be rich and loud. Now I’ve got to learn what the blue line means and pretend I care about sanctions.

Putin: Then don’t disappoint me. And stay away from Closer to the Edge.

Trump: I tried! I even sent Kash Patel and Tulsi to track down the writer. The guy — Rook T. Whatever. Winchester.

Putin: And?

Trump: They can’t find him! He’s bouncing between coffee shops in Vienna like a cracked-out Hemingway with Wi-Fi. Tulsi says she saw him vanish into a salt mine. Kash claims he’s wearing a disguise. A Canadian disguise.

Putin: (smirking) Effective.

Trump: He’s writing as it happens, Vlad. That’s not journalism — that’s witchcraft! (whimpering) I just wanted to be famous and loud. Now I’m a cautionary tale in a rogue Substack novella.

Putin: And a good one.

Trump: (quietly) Vlad... what if people believe them?

Putin: (coldly) Then we make sure they’re... closer to the ledge.

Trump: (gulping) That’s not a metaphor, is it.

Putin: You’ll find out the hard way—

Trump: WAIT. WAIT. I have a better idea. Okay? New tactic. I read something, and I think it’ll help.

Putin: (sighs) What now?

Trump: It’s an article. From Closer to the Edge. I’m emailing it to you now. It’s called...

(long pause)

...Fuck You, Putin.

Putin: (eyebrow raised) They what?

Trump: Yeah. Big title. All caps. Angry. Very intense. Kind of poetic, actually. Full of passion. I mean—look, it opens with: “There will be nothing left of you. No monuments, no anthems, not even a stinking wreath. Only the sound of a chair being dragged to your rotten grave so the world can piss and shit on it.” I mean—that’s writing!

Putin: (quietly) Go on.

Trump: They called you a “piss-soaked little jackal.” I didn’t say it! I didn’t write it! But... it sort of makes a point.

Putin: What point is that?

Trump: That they hate you more than me! That’s useful! That buys me time, right?

Putin: (staring) You’re showing me an article that calls me a rotting worm who feeds on his own country... to make you look good?

Trump: Yes! Exactly! Smart, right?

Putin: (reading from the article) “Your legacy is not strength. Your legacy is rotting stench.” That’s a bold move, Krasnov.

Trump: That’s what I’m saying! See, they hate you even more than me! You should go after them. Focus on the Edge! Not me. I’m just the side character now!

Putin: You are a coward.

Trump: I know. But I’m YOUR coward!

Putin: (chuckling darkly) And you’ve pissed yourself again.

Trump: (looking down) Dammit.

Putin: Next time, bring a diaper to the call.

Trump: They said something about your “botoxed ghost” and a palace “that stank of death.” Honestly, haunting stuff. Really vivid. Great pacing.

Putin: Enough.

Trump: Just trying to be helpful.

Putin: If you ever send me another article like that, I’ll have JD Vance delivered back to you in pieces. In a HelloFresh box.

Trump: (whispers) He's still under the couch...

Putin: Good. He’ll make a fine footrest.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

---

If you enjoyed this ridiculous, terrifyingly plausible descent into geopolitical chaos... subscribe.

Paid subscribers get early access to every chapter of the book as it’s being written in real time, live from Austria.