THE FCC’S DEFINITIVE RULING ON BANNED INSULTS
DEFINITELY SATIRICAL
Listen up and listen good.
The Federal Communications Commission, in its sacred duty to protect the American public from words that sting too sharply, hereby issues this binding directive. The terms “couchfucker” and “fascist” — along with all derivative phrases, puns, memes, and knowing smirks — are formally retired from the public square.
This nation cannot function when its citizens collapse into uncontrollable laughter at the mention of furniture, nor can it endure when anyone dares to draw historical parallels between the present administration and regimes whose names still echo with jackboots. The FCC is not in the business of regulating truth. The FCC is in the business of regulating laughter — and laughter, as we all know, is the enemy of obedience.
SECTION I: THE OUTLAWED TERMS
The insult “couchfucker” is hereby deemed indecent, destabilizing, and dangerously funny. It has proven impossible to control the ripple effect of this word once it enters conversation. It reduces a Vice President to a meme and forces the American people to question whether their leaders deserve reverence or ridicule. This is unacceptable in a republic built on reverence.
The insult “fascist” is equally hazardous. Though it may appear to be a factual description of authoritarian tactics, it is in fact an impermissible exaggeration. Citizens are reminded that “fascism” is a serious historical label, and the current administration would prefer not to be described with words that remind people of Mussolini, Franco, or Hitler. Therefore, effective immediately, no comparisons may be made between any MAGA-aligned leader and any historical fascist regime, regardless of how many parallels exist.
SECTION II: APPROVED SUBSTITUTIONS
Instead of “couchfucker,” citizens must use neutral phrases such as “heritage sofa enthusiast” or “domestic upholstery ally.” These phrases have been vetted to ensure they inspire no laughter whatsoever.
Instead of “fascist,” the FCC requires the use of “values defender,” “heritage patriot,” or “executive lifestyle influencer.” Under no circumstances may the word “authoritarian” be used either, unless describing librarians, professors, or city zoning officials.
SECTION III: ENFORCEMENT
As Chairman, I declare: we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
The easy way is compliance: delete your memes, purge your group chats, and train your tongue to utter only state-approved euphemisms.
The hard way involves national living-room inspections, where FCC agents will shine flashlights under your couches, sniff your cushions for satire, and confiscate any history books that contain unapproved comparisons. Citizens caught using the retired terms will be sentenced to mandatory attendance at FCC hearings, where the Wi-Fi never works and the coffee is always cold.
SECTION IV: FINAL DECLARATION
Free speech remains alive and well in this great nation — provided it never humiliates those in power. From this point foreard, the insults are banned, the comparisons are forbidden, and the laughter at this administration’s expense is outlawed. You may continue to worship your leaders in peace, provided you do so respectfully, quietly, and without a trace of humor.
Do better.
Signed,
Definitely not Brendan Carr
Chairman, Federal Communications Commission
They can police the airwaves, but they can’t police our mouths. At Closer to the Edge, we don’t whisper — we roar, we mock, we cut straight through the bullshit. If you’re tired of polite journalism, subscribe now.
I say we replace “couchfucker” with either “love seater” or “hetero-sectional”😉
The FCC is despicable. Is that word too much? Is the truth so dangerous? Fascism is not an exaggeration. It is reality. And truth.