THE STATE OF THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE

So, is this his prepared speech? No. But could it be? Could you turn on your television, tune-in tonight, and hear something so close to this that you’d do a double take? Quite possibly.

My fellow Americans—tremendous people, the best people. And, of course, members of Congress, the ones who are smart, who know what’s good for them, and even the ones who don’t—some of you, very bad people, by the way. And the Supreme Court, who, let’s be honest, was a total disaster before I fixed it. And the great American business leaders watching from home, the ones who really make this country work—you’re welcome, by the way. You’re very welcome.

I stand before you tonight—not because I want to, let’s be clear. I’d rather be at Mar-a-Lago. I’d rather be golfing. But no, they tell me, ‘Sir, you have to do this, you have to talk to the American people,’ so here I am, giving what will no doubt be the greatest State of the Union in history. We should really rename it, by the way. State of Trump. Because that’s what it is. I am America, folks. Some people don’t like to hear that, but it’s true. Very smart people, the best people, tell me, ‘Sir, without you, America would fall apart. Just completely fall apart.’ And you know what? They’re right.

Now, the Fake News, they say ‘Oh, President Trump, you’re wrecking the economy, the world is turning against us, America is falling apart’, but let me ask you something. Have you seen the stock market? It’s beautiful. Some people say it’s down. Some people say it’s up. And those people don’t understand markets. It goes up, it goes down, it goes sideways. Very complicated. You wouldn’t understand it. You know who does understand it? Me. That’s why I’ve never gone bankrupt. Well, I have, but they were smart bankruptcies. Genius bankruptcies.

And speaking of winning, let’s talk about Canada.

Oh, Canada. You know, folks, I never liked Justin Trudeau. Never trusted him. Little guy, weak hands, probably has soft teeth. I don’t know. Looks like a guy who needs to eat more steak. We call him Justin ‘Weak Hands’ Trudeau. And now, Canada thinks they can mess with us? Canada!

The other day, a Canadian official—very nasty, very disrespectful—said that if I don’t stop tariffs, they’d ‘smile while turning off our electricity.’ That’s what they said. They smiled. And I said, ‘You know what? Keep your terrible electricity. Keep it. We don’t need it. We have the best electricity in the world. The strongest electricity. Very powerful, very good.’

And then—this is true, folks, this is real—Canadians, they actually booed our national anthem. Can you believe that? And I said, ‘Wow. Just wow.’ These are supposed to be our allies! But let me tell you, folks, they’re finished. We’re done with them. No more cheap wood, no more maple syrup—and I don’t even like maple syrup, by the way, I think it’s very overrated.

Now, I hear some people—very bad, very dishonest people—saying that farmers are upset with me. And let me tell you, no one loves the farmers more than I do. Corn, soybeans, wheat, whatever they grow—it’s beautiful stuff. But listen, tariffs are tremendous, and sure, they’ve hurt some farmers, but that’s just business. I say, “If you’re good at what you do, you’ll be fine.” And they love me. Farmers love me. They tell me, “Sir, we’re struggling, but we still support you,” and you know what I say? “That’s great. Keep struggling.” Because America is about hard work, not handouts. We don’t do handouts. Well, except for me. I take a lot of them.

And let’s talk about our beautiful National Parks. Beautiful places. Very nice. Too many trees, though. Ever notice that? A lot of trees, not enough hotels. We’re looking into that. Because let’s be honest, who even goes to these places? People say, “Oh, we love nature,” but do they really? Do they really? Because last time I checked, people prefer a golf course over a forest. That’s just facts. Very smart people tell me that.

Now, let’s talk about Ukraine. Not our problem. Never was, never should have been. Before me, we were sending Ukraine billions and billions of dollars while they weren’t even winning the war! Can you believe that? I told Zelensky, ‘Figure it out. Maybe call Putin. He’s great at winning wars.’ And guess what? Now he’s negotiating peace. Because of me.

And people say, ‘Oh, Mr. President, you just handed Ukraine to Russia!’ And I say, ‘Well, would you rather I handed it to Canada? No? That’s what I thought. Shut up.’

Now, Gaza—very sad, folks, very sad. Terrible place. But I had a brilliant idea, one of my best. And, folks, nobody loves Israel more than I do. I love Israel. The greatest country. Some people say America is first, and that’s fine, but Israel is very close, folks, very close. Some people, very smart people, are even saying I might be the most pro-Israel president in history. They’re saying it.

So I said, ‘Why don’t we take Gaza and turn it into something great?’ Like Miami but better. The ‘Riviera of the Middle East.’ Tremendous resorts, luxury hotels, the best beaches, only for people who appreciate good deals. And some people got very upset! The Palestinians, the UN, Europe—they all said ‘Oh, Mr. President, you can’t just remove people from their land and build a Trump Tower.’ But why not? I do it all the time. That’s called business. It’s called winning.

Now, I want to talk about something very special, very close to my heart: the Department of Government Efficiency, or as we like to call it, DOGE. Great name, right? I came up with that. Well, actually, Elon Musk did, but I approved it, so basically, it was me. We’re saving so much money, folks. Billions and billions.

We got rid of so many useless government workers. Thousands. And nobody misses them. Nobody. We have Elon Musk, a very smart guy, running it. He’s got a gaming computer in his office. A gaming computer! I don’t know what that is, but it sounds impressive. And let me tell you, we’re cutting so much waste. Some people say, “Oh, but Mr. President, what about the services those agencies provided?” And I say, “What services? Nobody used them. Total waste.”

Now, some nasty people, very dishonest people, are saying, ‘Oh, Mr. President, you’re giving all our Social Security numbers and bank account information to Putin.’ Fake news. First of all, I don’t even know if Putin wants them. Maybe he does. I don’t know. And even if he did—what are you worried about? What are you hiding?

“And now they’re bringing up this thing—this very nasty, very dishonest thing—they’re calling it Krasnov. Have you heard about this? They say, ‘Oh, Mr. President, were you recruited by the KGB in 1987? Were you a Soviet asset? Was your codename ‘Krasnov’?’ Can you believe this? Can you believe how desperate they are? This is fake news, folks. Very fake news. And let me tell you something—nobody’s been tougher on Russia than me. Nobody. You ask Putin, you say, ‘Hey, Putin, has anyone ever been tougher than Trump?’ And he’d say, ‘No, sir, nobody has.’ He calls me sir, by the way, a lot of people don’t know that.”

So they say, ‘Oh, Mr. President, the KGB recruited you when you were in Moscow in 1987.’ First of all, folks, 1987—what a year. What a year! I was making real estate great again. I was dominating New York. Everybody wanted a piece of Trump. The Soviets? Maybe they wanted me. I don’t know. A lot of people want me. But did they recruit me? No. Absolutely not. But even if they did—and I’m not saying they did, but if they did—wouldn’t that just show you how smart I am? Think about it! They had all these people, all these geniuses, all these spies, and who did they go after? Trump. Because I was the best. I was the smartest. That’s why I’m standing here today, folks, and the Soviet Union? Gone. Who won? I did. I won the Cold War.

And these so-called ‘intelligence experts’—who, by the way, are not very intelligent, trust me—are now saying, ‘Oh, there are documents, there’s a file, Trump’s codename was Krasnov.’ Folks, I don’t even like that name. Terrible name. Weak name. Sounds Russian, which it is, obviously, but still. You think if I was picking a codename, it would be Krasnov? No. I’d pick something better. Something stronger. Something like ‘Winner.’ ‘Champion.’ ‘King Trump.’ That’s what I would pick. Not Krasnov.

So let’s just shut this down right now. Fake news. No proof. No evidence. Just another witch hunt. You know who else got accused of being Russian? Jesus. People don’t talk about that, but some say he could’ve been. Who knows? The point is, folks, I was never Krasnov. And even if I was, which I wasn’t, but if I was—let’s just say hypothetically—wouldn’t that be one of the greatest stories of all time? The greatest spy, recruited by the Soviets, infiltrates America, becomes the most successful businessman, then becomes President of the United States—twice. Folks, if I was Krasnov, I’d be the greatest spy of all time. James Bond would look like a janitor compared to me.

So let me tell you, folks, the economy? Perfect. Foreign policy? I fixed it. Crime?

Gone. America? Back on top. The only people who don’t think so are losers—and folks, we don’t listen to losers, do we?

So thank you, America. God bless me, and God bless the United States.

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