TO: Springfield Parks & Recreation Department

SUBJECT: ANTIFA Sign-Making Picnic

Dear Springfield Parks & Recreation Department,

We are writing on behalf of a small, peaceful group of ANTIFA residents who wish to gather in one of Springfield’s public parks on October 16 or 17 to make protest signs for No Kings Day (October 18).

To be clear: we are not the kind of ANTIFA you may have seen described on certain news networks. We do not possess matching uniforms, tactical plans, or the organizational skills required to start anything larger than a group text. We simply despise fascism — deeply, personally, and with a level of conviction normally reserved for sports rivalries and recycling programs.

Our intent is to create art, not unrest. The event will involve markers, poster board, snacks, and perhaps one Bluetooth speaker quietly playing protest folk music at a reasonable volume. We will leave the park cleaner than we found it and promise to remove all glitter, metaphorical or otherwise.

However, we are currently confused as hell about whether we’re even allowed to do this. The president recently issued a memorandum declaring ANTIFA a “domestic terrorist organization.” We’re still unsure how that applies to a handful of citizens with tote bags and reusable water bottles. We checked the city website for guidance under “Approved Civic Gatherings” but didn’t see a dropdown option for ANTIFA. We also tried “community group,” “book club,” and “miscellaneous,” but those required a federal tax ID number, and we’re fairly certain ANTIFA doesn’t have one.

We want to do everything by the book, though the book appears to be getting rewritten daily. To that end, we respectfully request clarification on the following:

1. Whether we are permitted to gather peacefully on October 16 or 17 to create protest signs;

2. Whether a permit is required for small, non-amplified, non-monarchical assemblies; and

3. Whether the Department has any restrictions on poster materials, fonts exceeding 72pt, or the use of phrases such as “NO KINGS, NO DIC(TATORS).”

Our group intends to remain peaceful, family-friendly, and moderately confused throughout. We are not opposed to submitting additional paperwork if required — though we do ask that any forms be labeled in plain English, as “ANTIFA Sign-Making Picnic” might not fit neatly into the “Other” category.

We appreciate your guidance and thank you for maintaining Springfield’s beautiful parks, where democracy — and occasionally satire — can still find a picnic table.

With sincere appreciation and minor existential panic,
ANTIFA (Springfield Chapter of People Who Really, Truly Hate Fascism)
Rook T. Winchester
(329) 223-0420

P.S. We promise not to overthrow anything except outdated poster design trends.

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Copy the email.

Change the city.

Send it to your local Parks Department and politely ask if ANTIFA can still use the park to make protest signs.

Then post their reply. Tag #NoKingsDay.